What a tragedy this could be..

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The same, yet so very different

Sometimes it is eerie, how life events loop back around on themselves again and again. There we were driving up Buchanan to the hospital that Kris was treated in for breast cancer 15 years ago. The last time I was in this building was the last night that I ever saw her alive. That was the night I told Kris that that after she died, I would take care of her Michie. That night, I made a faithful promise not knowing what it would mean and what blessings would follow.

So there we are today in that same hospital, taking the elevator down to the radiation treatment level. Apparently, Michie is the long lost sister of the radiation staff. It seems that everyone knows her. Staff reminisced with Michie about Kris: How Kris was larger than life. How sick she was and how much she stayed in their hearts. How they could never forget her. Our nurse even remembered looking at the photos from their wedding all those years back.

Alison, who helped take care of Kris those many years ago, and now is equally dedicated to taking care of Michie, was there by our side. She hugged us repeatedly and walked us to our meeting with the radiologist. We were introduced, and reminded that we are important to these people whom I barely know. We were seen by the radiologist who had already been instructed to "take very good care of us". And he did...

The doctor was great. A friendly, intelligent man who answered our questions and calmed our fears. He has suggested, and we agree, that Michie have four weeks of radiation. The radiation will start in mid-October after they have completed 'casting' her so she is positioned correctly in the machine. They will radiate her whole breast for three of those weeks and then do a "boost" on the spot where the cancer was found for the last week. There should be 19 rad. treatments in all. With this treatment, Michie has a 95-97% chance of no re-occurrence.

At the end of our consultation, Alison came back and sat with us. It made me feel like we had a team of people who were taking care of us. I felt so fortunate to be blessed with such available and immediate medical care for my family. It made the whole experience feel like a party and not a serious discussion. I know Kris would have approved.

By the way: We got great a great parking spot right in front of the hospital. Thanks Kris.

Movement

January: Start Studying for Fire Lieutenant's test

May: After 4 months of studying, I take 1st section of Lt. test which is scenario based.

June:
We take 3 week trip to east coast for brother's wedding and family trip.
Friend's baby girl Tikva born: It is a miracle that she survives, and we celebrate while in New York.

July:
Max's goes to YMCA Camp Jones Gulch for a week and is still wearing his camp "rag" in September.
Start studying for 2nd portion of Lt. test which consists of teaching and counseling.
Pick up our legal marriage license.
We both get mammograms and both get called back for follow-up appointments.

August:
8th: Find out that Tikva passed away, Max turns 9 years old, Co-worker kills himself.
10th: Throw swim party for Max's birthday
11th: Stand honor guard for Robert's funeral
12th: Sit shiva for Tikva
19th: Follow-up visit for Michie as Breast Health Center. She is crying. We are crying.
20th: Meet with breast surgeon.
22nd: Surgery to remove suspicious lump. I leave before she is out of surgery, and go to take second portion of Lt. test.
26th: I am empaneled in a jury
27th: AM We put a bid on our new house: Noon: Find out Michie has cancer. Cry together at the civic center. Plan surgery for lymph nodes. I tell judge to take me out of jury panel.
28th: 9:30AM: Win bid on house. 10:15 AM Michie has lymph node biopsy. I am there when she wakes up this time. She tells me she is glad. I am glad.
30th: Have wedding. We are legally married. I fit in my dress I wore 12 years ago.

Sept:
2nd: In escrow on new house.
3rd: Her lymph nodes come back clear. My follow up mammogram comes back clear. Good Day.
4th - now: Start lining up contractors to paint and landscape current house. Inspections on new house, start packing, cleaning and preparing for move.
11th: Meet with oncologist. We love him. No chemo necessary.
25th: Meet with radiologist
27th: Michie takes Inspectors test

October plans:
2nd: Close escrow
4th: Move
Start radiation
Sell old house

End the year in new home, with possible promotions, cancer free and PRESIDENT OBAMA! Grateful for all that we have and how our hard work paid off.

Sometimes life is such a whirl that you need to write it down. Sometimes you have to remember how much happens in a lifetime.

Happy Feet...Happy Us

Michie had her pre-radiation MRI on Monday. We were worried because while she was having this test the tech stupidly said, "What is going on with your right breast?" Since Michie has cancer in her left breast, those words shook both of us to our core. We both walked around in a daze that night, envisioning the worse and simultaneously trying to not take the comment seriously.

The tech was way out of line saying anything at all. She isn't qualified to diagnose the MRI. In the morning, I called the surgeon's office and complained about her unprofessional conduct. I also asked that they call us as soon as the MRI was read so we wouldn't have to stew in our fears more than necessary.

This morning we got the results and are relieved to say that it came back negative for any visible cancer. Lovely words. Lovely feeling. Lovely day. Things are turning up rosy.

Busy as a Bee

I used to read Max this cute board book that talked about being a quick as a cricket, as slow as a snail, and a small as an ant. This week we are a busy as bee's.

We have set up most the contractors that we will need to prep our current (soon to be old house) for sale. We have hired movers, painters and landscapers to make the house look new and pretty and worth a million bucks. We also got bids for a new roof, upgrading the electrical and replacing the asbestos (evil cancer causing) laden heater in the new house. Today I hope to take Max to the paint store to pick the colors for his new room. Michie and I are very clear that we are walking a fine line with all that is going on: between the financial and the emotional...between being broke and broken.

The next big project is packing all our possessions which are apparently quite substantial. The guy who bid on our moving job said it would take 4 burly men 7-8 hours to move everything. And I thought I was good at getting rid of all the junk we collect. We will close escrow on Oct 2nd and most likely will move on the 4th and 5th.

Honestly, it feels good to be moving not just literally but emotionally as well. It is time for a change, and a fresh start for all of us. This is a chance to dump the junk and live a life that has more breathing room and space.

And Happy Birthday to my big brother, Wayne! I love you!

A Good Book...with a Happy Ending

Our meeting with the Oncologist yesterday went really well. He spent over 2 hours with us answering all our questions and coming up with a treatment plan. The short version is that Michie doesn't have a very aggressive form of cancer (it's a kitten not a tiger) and will only need radiation for 6 weeks and then either tamoxifen for up to 5 years and/or removal of the ovaries depending on whether her cancer is fueled by hormones. Regardless, we are in good shape for a long and healthy future together. Whew.

When Dr. Smith sat down he said to us that reading her lab reports was like reading "a good book with a happy ending". That immediately made me cry. I am into the happy ending part.

The statistics that I am sorting out look like this:
If we did nothing else at this point she would have a 85%-90% chance of no further cancer.
With radiation it will reduce that chance (the 15-10%) from 33% to 3% for re-occurrence.
Chemo would only have a 1% chance of helping her so he doesn't suggest she do it. He said that 1% could be more effectively handled through diet and exercise.

Breast cancer is often fueled by the hormones in our bodies. They test for how much each women's specific cancer is fuel by her Estrongen (ER) and Progesterone (PR). Michie's initial test came back ER-/PR+. This is rather rare so he is going to fight with the insurance company and get a genetic test done on it to see if she really is ER-. Her PR+ was 90% positive so he is suspicious about the ER- being negative. If she was postive for both that would be a good thing since they have medicines to deal with that situation.

He isn't going to test at this point for the BRCA (genetic predisposition to Breast Cancer) since she has no family history and there is only a 1/1000 chance that she would be positive for it.

After she is done with radiation we will have follow up appointments with him every 3 months for a year. She will have MRI or Mammograms (alternating) at each of those appointments.

Next steps are setting up an appointment with the radiologist and getting approval for the ER/PR genetic test.

I am incredibly relieved and thankful that we live in a big city and have access to good health care and insurance. I know this is not true for so many women out there. I am sooooo thankful that we caught it early. Everything is going to be alright.

Change is in the Air

About 20 years ago I landed in Havana, Cuba for two weeks. I was a college student involved with an exchange program studying the status of women and their medical care.

I remember a lot of things about that trip. I saw children sing for me at the elementary schools. I saw healthy babies be born after their laboring mothers rocked in chairs next to other laboring mothers. I drank "cuba libres" in the hotel bar, with a guy named Christobol ,who was trying to convince me that Fidel Castro was the next best thing. Maybe he was... Maybe he wasn't... Who knows and who was I to judge what was best for that beautiful little island.

When I think back to my time in Havana, there is one moment that stays with me. I was living on the 16th floor of the old American Hyatt now logically called the Havana Libre. It was hot. Hot like it can only be on an island, in the middle of the summer, in the Caribbean . One afternoon I couldn't take sightseeing anymore and escaped to my room for a siesta.

I stood out on my balcony overlooking the expanse of the city below me. Off in the distance there was a storm coming. I could see the rain coming down in sheets creating a grey blanket over the skyline. The wind picked up and blew all around me. It cooled me and excited me at the same time. It was sensuous and powerful. It was raw. That moment stayed with me because I stood there alone, and watched this storm come towards me. I felt its' power. I stood there and took the soaking that it dumped upon me with gratitude.

I can feel the storm coming towards me now. I can feel the wind whipping around my legs, the water ready to dump down my blouse. I can feel the power of all that the world has to throw at me and I stand here unafraid.

I am grateful for the ability to feel what is coming towards me at such an amazing speed.

How so?

"It all works out in the end.
How so?
I don't know, it's a mystery.... "
- Shakespeare in Love

Mary reminded me of this quote from one our favorite movies the other day. It sums up my general feelings right now. My life plan is a bit of mystery. We are going to be experiencing escrow, radiation, inspector exams, co-chairing the community service event for Synergy, promotions (hopefully), moving, selling our current home and 4th grade all at once over the next two months. It is crazy when I think about it too hard. My check lists are huge and long. The quantity of tasks to be done are overwhelming.

But I know that I have several things on my side. Friends who know how to move, sell, and buy homes and will walk us through the process. Excellent doctors and research oriented family members that will help us make decisions. Time to take off from work to take care of Michie and to unpack all our stuff. I just have to learn to ask for help and it will show up.

And I guess ultimately that I have faith that it will all work out in the end. It's a mystery how, but it will all work out in the end.

Thinking Good Thoughts

"Is there anything I can do to help you?", I ask Michie after she spent two hours throwing up this morning. "Just think good thoughts", she responds. Her arm is over her face hiding from the nausea.

Michie is a "delicate" gal is few ways, but this one. She can not take any kind of narcotic. She is very easily nauseated. We even decide if we are going to a movie based on whether or not the images will constantly pan across the screen. Needless to say, most of the movie "Titanic" was spent with Michie's head in my lap hiding from the shifting images.

So yesterday, after seeing the doctor about her post-operative pain he suggested that she try Ultram. Ultram is a 'narcotic-like' drug taken for moderate to severe pain. Ultram should never be taken by anyone addicted to drugs before. Good to know. She took it in the evening before we went to bed. Spent the entire night dizzy and woke up puking at 4:30AM. Still hasn't stopped.

My plans for the day are shifting as I sit here and type. Sometimes, less is more.

Joy

If you had told me a week ago that I would be this happy that Michie had to go through radiation treatments for six week, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. It is truly amazing how relative everything is in your life.

When we arrived at school today, everyone had stories of how they or someone in their family was sick and facing serious illness. It was scary. But it also served to give us a healthy perspective about what we were actually facing. We realized that this is small potatoes compared to what else is out there. That we were lucky on so many fronts.

With the lab results coming back as negative, we were both just bouncing off the walls. When we picked up Max at school we told him that we had good news. He looked straight at us and said, "No cancer?" "Yep", we replied. "No cancer in the lymph nodes." He just smiled and kept working on his project. The we went out for a celebration dinner and ice cream cones.

As far as I am concerned Michie is cancer free at this point. They got the cancer out, with clear margins and it hasn't spread into her lymph nodes. We will just do the radiation to kill any little bastards that might have gotten away.

Oh and by the way. My follow up mammogram came back negative for any cancer this morning.

Good news!

We finally got the results back from the lab.

All of the lymph nodes were clear of cancer!

Enough said. It's a good day.

Hope is Present Tense

Hope lives in the present tense. Right now, as this moment, I have great hope for everything turning out just fine.

-I hope that the cancer hasn't spread.
-I hope that all her lab reports come back with postive indicators for low re-occurance.
-I hope that we will get to work with the oncologist that comes so highly recommended for Michie.
-I hope that radiation will go smoothly, and not make her too tired or sick.
-I hope she doesn't have to do chemotherapy.
-I hope that in a year, we will look at this as a small bump in the road of our lives.

Michie is doing better now that the surgeries are a few days behind us. Max and I are competing over who wraps her ice pack better with the ace bandage. It is a tight competition since he has gotten really good at it.

She is at home today (while I work) and will see her surgeon this afternoon to check on some post surgery inflammation she is experiencing. She says the phone has been ringing off the hook as word has spread through the department. I also managed to get an appointment with an oncologist Dr. Smith, who comes very highly recommended, for Sept 11th. I hope this means we are officially in as a patient, but I'm not sure.

Little kindnesses are popping us everywhere. Yesterday, after yoga class, I sat on the floor and cried. One of the women in the class came over and put her arm around me. She didn't know me but she stood by me, while I allowed myself a few minutes to be sad. It was lovely and her kindness stayed with me all day.

The Long Haul

September 1 is here. August is officially over. Usually August is a great month. Max, and both our Mom's have their birthdays, plus several friends. It is usually a time of celebration and preparing for the new school year. This August was different, but now it is over and September is here.

If you know me, you know that I like to plan and organize my life. I like to know what I am going to be doing in two weeks and how my weeks will look for the upcoming month. But I guess I am seeing, my method of planning won't work for the next chunk of 2008. Everything is fluid and moving. Most things in my life will not be decided by me, but by doctors, health, finances and that divine force which connects us all.

There are great lessons in all of this for me. Learn to let go and trust that things will work out. Trust that Michie will be just fine. Trust that Max will survive all this a better stronger young man. We will get through this together, and with the help of our amazing friends and family. Stay in the moment. Breathe. In and out, once day at a time, one decision at a time.