I really mean...

What do I really mean? What do I really believe about God...about the Divine. I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. I have always questioned the authority that seems implicit in god's word. I would underline the verses in the bible that were sexist. I didn't like to say the word "god" in the Pledge of Allegiance. But I loved the bible's stories, and read the entire New Testament at the age of 10. I had my mother teach me the Lord's prayer and memorized it on my own. I sang in the church choir every Sunday for several years. I loved playing the organ with the organist's daughter after everyone had left the sanctuary. In high school I secretly believed that I could find god in the music of Mozart.

My family was a fluid mix of post-evangelical Christian, Quaker, Presbyterian, agnostic parents: Christian relatives on both sides of the family that I imagine prayed for my queer soul. Christians who have thought I was just fine the way I am. I have judged and been judged by religions: I have seen the Mormons next store beat their kids and make their 13 year old pregnant daughter have a child. I lost my relationship with a cousin for over a decade due to a difference of opinion over having his son be the ring bearer in our wedding. I have heard so much hate speech about who I must be because I am a lesbian. I have watched how much damage, war, and death religions can cause.

At the same time, I have witness the greatest kindness from deeply religious individuals. I have see the Catholic husband nurse his wife who was dying of AIDS with such open hearted care and compassion. I have witnessed a Jewish family leap into a level of faith that I have never personally know, while embracing their beautiful daughter who was with them for only a few months. I have had old ladies tell me they are "blessed in the name of the Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen" and I have believed them. I have had opportunity to heal a wounded relationship with a cousin who doesn't believe that I should be married to the love of my life. We are very different, but we are willing to love each other despite those difference. But now I just don't know where I fit in with religion or even with what I actually believe about god.

I do believe in Love. I do believe that we are all connected in ways we can't see but often can feel. I believe that prayer is often good, but I don't know why, or even what it means when someone says they are praying for you. I know it is kind and that is good.

I do believe that the human spirit is the most powerful and amazing thing... I do believe that we get back what we give.... I do pray in this life to not judged or be judgmental towards others , but can only control the later. I don't know if this is God or just how I see the world. I don't know...

Full

The house is empty.
The cat is sleeping in the sun.
Piano concertos are playing in the background.
Nestled in my fleece sheets, I am safe and warm.

In a few hours, friends will come
I will cook for them and share their warmth.
All is good and kind.
My heart is full.

I mean really...

I mean really... I just don't know about god

After this years election,
after all the hateful assults by God's followers,
after watching my son listen to advertising filled with outright lies
I mean really...
after hearing how "they" were going to teach gay marriage in schools
"they?"
after a lifetime of rhetoric about how queers are sinners and equal to pedophiles and murders
after watching the movie Milk with my loving family by my side
I mean really....
after yet another marriage certificate being questioned and challenged
after millions of dollars being spent to ensure that I, and my neighbors don't have full civil rights
after the Catholic and Mormon churches combining efforts to make sure that my son is a second class citizen
after all the hate and lies.

Where does this lead me?
It just makes me feel angry and hateful
It makes me incredibly sad and disheartened
I mean really...
It makes me lose faith in those who profess to have it
It makes me want to never be near this god or any god whose goal is to inspire his followers to attack people who just want to love each other in peace
I mean really...
It makes me disbelieve the good that might be at the heart of any religion.

I wonder what god would want his followers to be so caught up in my business and my love
I wonder where the catholic/christian/mormon churches gets the right to condemn my son parents and wife's child
I wonder how they can feel justified in being so deeply judgmental
I wonder how on earth any good comes from religion.
I mean really...
I wonder what is there left for me and my kind.

Random thoughts

I am not posting as much as I used to, which I could easily blame on the hectic pace which I have been maintaining lately. But instead, I thought I might just write a bit and see where it goes...

Michie goes back to work on Monday. She is nervious since she is still tired and wanting to nap a lot. I think that it will be good for her to get out of the house and reclaim her role as an inspector. She is good at her job and the challenge will be good for her spirits. Breast Cancer has been a strange detour for us. I was looking at some photos us and her parents at radiation the other day. Radiation seems like it was so long ago. It feels like a different lifetime even though we are less than 3 weeks done. At one point it is all you think about and in the next moment it is done and over.

Max is just...well Max. I always say that, but my kid is very smooth and stable. I would like to claim credit for that status, but he just came out that way. Max is maturing quickly and simultaneously remaining small these days. He is independent and strong willed. He is cuddly and happiest with his Moms by his side. Lately I have been getting sucked into the computer too much which isn't good for any of us. Michie has been complaining that we are doing too much parallel play and she is right. Time to turn off the box (when I am around my family) and to focus on just being with those I love.

I am settling into the new job and slowly hitting my stride with being a Lieutenant. I know that being a true Lt. takes more time than just 6 watches, but I am starting to envision how I want to be with the crew. Fortunately I am blessed with a great people, so that on any given day there isn't too much to manage.

Life continues...thanksgiving, christmas, and then into a new year... Who knows what will come, but having coming through '08 I am no longer afraid of what life can and will throw at me.

A message...

Unsettled

I should be settled. Life is finally moving back into a recognizable pattern. I should feel calm and secure, but I don't. I am scattered and nervious and not so sure of myself. I swing between euphoria and melancholy. I move between feeling accomplished and under the gun to get more done.

For myself, part the adjustment is due to both returning to work and becoming an officer. I know that first is easy but the later is disorienting even when it is going well. Part if it is that we are done with radiation, but Michie is feeling its affects even more now then when she was under treatment. I am done moving, but still have boxes hidden in corner of the house to deal with. I am done selling our former home but still having to coordinate refinancing our current mortgage to make our finances manageable.

I know how lucky we are but I am also aware that life has changed for us. Everything that was planned came true and everything that wasn't planned came true as well. I now live with this knowledge that my wife had cancer. It is uncomfortable for both of us...this knowledge. It is disorienting to know how lucky we were and how easily it could have turned out differently. Cancer pulled the rug out from our assumptions and makes the ground we walk on that much more slippery.

I don't have a clear vision right now. Life is good but it is still unsettled.

And in the end...

In the end we did it all. We sold the house. I became a Lieutenant. Michie finished radiation and beat cancer into submission. We moved all our belongings across town. It was such a long lists of thing to accomplish this year but it is done.

Now? Now, we just sit back and let all our hard work, work for us.

But of course, I know it is never that simple. I know life will throw other curve balls as us over the years to come.
But isn't it a good feeling to not have any know curve balls aimed in my direction. Doesn't it feel great to embrace all these accomplishments and absorb them into my being.
I am feeling proud of myself because I have managed one of the most difficult times in my blessed life and made it out to the other side...better and stronger.

Vote for Hope!

Great No on 8 Ad.

The Real McCain

GO Obama!

Daily routine

Life has settled into a strange routine. Strange because it is far from normal but not bad. Radiation schedules are long and rather relentless, but they focus your energy by simplifying your schedule. Everyday I wake up, get Max to school, come home and work on the house and then we go to radiation. We greet the other patients there, say hi to all the techs and Michie gets treated. As we pull out of the garage we say bye to the guy at the booth who always knows we want a receipt. We go back and get Max from school. Every other day I go and water the grass at the old house. Every week we take out the garbage. Every night Michie (mostly) makes us dinner and we eat in our new dining room. I love that things are simple for just a few weeks in my life. No work. No moving. Time to surf the internet and relax for a few moments here and there.

Soon enough it will all change again. Michie will finish her radiation next week (YEAH!) and then I go back to work as a new Lieutenant. Life will bring change back into my routine before I know it, but for today I am enjoying the calm within the storms of the last few months.

Master Max

Today Max got to go with us to Michie's radiation treatment. He had a great time. Really. The radiation staff were completely amazing. They let him adjust the table (like the one in the photo above) and check out the laser lines. Then he got to go into the control booth while they gave the treatments. They even let him push the button and tell his Mama when to hold her breath and when to relax. At the end of it all they loaded him up with candy and those yellow Armstrong foundation wrist bands. He left happy and very excited about all the big fancy equipment that he got to see and touch.

I was very pleased with how the staff handled his visit. I think it was really good for him to see what we have been talking about for the two months. He didn't have too many questions but he did say that it was very cool to go to radiation. We feel the same way. It is cool and we are glad to have access to such cool machines.

Army of Women

I want to make everyone aware of this organizational effort being spearheaded by Dr. Love and the Avon Foundation. Their goal is to create a database of 1 million women who are willing to participate in research into the cause of breast cancer.

Personally, I am sick of this disease. It has taken two of my dearest friends, made many others I care about suffer, and is now going after my wife. Frankly, I have had enough. I know many of you have as well. Here is a concrete way to do something about it.

Michie and I have joined. We will be called to participate in research studies in our area. It is all voluntary and confidential. You are not required to be part of any study you are not interested in. Go to this web site to learn more and sign up.

http://www.armyofwomen.org/

Sleepy

We are so sleepy these days. I have taken a nap every day for the last three days which is a real record for me. I never take naps. Of course, the funny part is that it is Michie that is having the radiation...not me.

Radiations is going better now that Michie is off work. She is also becoming a champion napper. She has managed the exhaustion well and doesn't seems to be dealing with too much irritation. She says it is about a 3 to 4 on a scale of 1-10.

We have now completed 6 of 19 rads and are becoming buddies with the valet guy in the parking lot. He knows who we are and doesn't even ask how long we will be there any more. It takes us about an hour to get in, treated, and back out. I am looking at it as a way to get 19 dates in a row with my wife. There is always a silver lining to events in life.

Life continues on it's roller coaster but for the most part I am starting to feel like I have a few moments to breath in between the teacher conferences, continued house maintenance and visits with friends. And for those friends/family who haven't heard...I made Lieutenant! I am officially on the list of folks to be promoted in the next few months. Yeah!

Speaking of friends and family: Thank you everyone for your amazing support. We could not have done any of this without you. Everything that has been done for us has helped us get through this wild ride whole and intact. We truly appreciate your work and presence in our lives.

So this is kind of a meandering blog but sometimes that is just what suits your mood. Peace, naps and rest to all.

Full Stop

Well I am back in the current century. We have successfully moved and are now reconnected with internet access and even have a working stove. Despite the trepidations and heart tremors that the current economy is giving me, I am hopeful that our old home will sell soon and we will be a happy "one house owning" family.

In the last month I have worked harder physically than anytime in the last 14 years. I packed and unpacked. I cleaned and organized. Thankfully, we were assisted by a small army of family and friends who did the same and in the process quite possibly saved my sanity. Michie worked hard managing the contractors who were upgrading the systems (roof, heater, electrical, garage door, internet, painters, plumbers) in our new digs. We hired contractors to do anything that required real skill. Everything else we did with our own sweat and muscle. But today that all came to an end for me.

While spraying the deck in our old house I misjudged the step I was on and went down like a ton of bricks, spraining my ankle in the process. Full Stop. Owwww. Oh well. I think I needed something like that just to make me stop from going 24/7. On the bright side, I am glad the timing was good. It happened near the end of the big work push and not at the beginning. It is a moderate sprain I think. The ankle is swollen, but not as bad as I have seen in the past.

Tomorrow we are having a community event for Max's school at the zoo. I will hobble about on the crutches, and then I will watch the kids while everyone moves furniture into the old house for staging.

Life goes on and on...but sometimes you have to stop.

Taking it all in

Yesterday, the fire department released the scores from the Lieutenant test. I have place 111th out of the final pool of 410 individuals. It looks like the first 150 on the list will get jobs in the next year so I am pretty much...well...going to be a Lieutenant.

I am pleased with my score. God knows I couldn't have studied any harder or wanted it any more than I did. I am thankful that I did well and so glad that the process is over.

I did it. I really did it.

Today we close escrow and officially own our new home. We are going to partake in our ritual of pizza in the dark with Mary and her family, which we always do whenever one of us buys a new home. There is nothing like sitting in a house you just bought, eating on the furnitureless floor and contemplating your future in your new vacuous home.

Michie is also getting the molding done for her radiation treatments today. The molding is basically a cast for her body so that she is positioned in the exact same manner each time that she had radiation done. I think we will make a chaise lounge out of it when she is done. We will need more furniture in our living room anyway.

I am trying to take it all in. I am trying to allow myself a moment to celebrate amidst all the chaos and change. Breathe.

What a tragedy this could be..

Vote for Obama/Biden.

The same, yet so very different

Sometimes it is eerie, how life events loop back around on themselves again and again. There we were driving up Buchanan to the hospital that Kris was treated in for breast cancer 15 years ago. The last time I was in this building was the last night that I ever saw her alive. That was the night I told Kris that that after she died, I would take care of her Michie. That night, I made a faithful promise not knowing what it would mean and what blessings would follow.

So there we are today in that same hospital, taking the elevator down to the radiation treatment level. Apparently, Michie is the long lost sister of the radiation staff. It seems that everyone knows her. Staff reminisced with Michie about Kris: How Kris was larger than life. How sick she was and how much she stayed in their hearts. How they could never forget her. Our nurse even remembered looking at the photos from their wedding all those years back.

Alison, who helped take care of Kris those many years ago, and now is equally dedicated to taking care of Michie, was there by our side. She hugged us repeatedly and walked us to our meeting with the radiologist. We were introduced, and reminded that we are important to these people whom I barely know. We were seen by the radiologist who had already been instructed to "take very good care of us". And he did...

The doctor was great. A friendly, intelligent man who answered our questions and calmed our fears. He has suggested, and we agree, that Michie have four weeks of radiation. The radiation will start in mid-October after they have completed 'casting' her so she is positioned correctly in the machine. They will radiate her whole breast for three of those weeks and then do a "boost" on the spot where the cancer was found for the last week. There should be 19 rad. treatments in all. With this treatment, Michie has a 95-97% chance of no re-occurrence.

At the end of our consultation, Alison came back and sat with us. It made me feel like we had a team of people who were taking care of us. I felt so fortunate to be blessed with such available and immediate medical care for my family. It made the whole experience feel like a party and not a serious discussion. I know Kris would have approved.

By the way: We got great a great parking spot right in front of the hospital. Thanks Kris.

Movement

January: Start Studying for Fire Lieutenant's test

May: After 4 months of studying, I take 1st section of Lt. test which is scenario based.

June:
We take 3 week trip to east coast for brother's wedding and family trip.
Friend's baby girl Tikva born: It is a miracle that she survives, and we celebrate while in New York.

July:
Max's goes to YMCA Camp Jones Gulch for a week and is still wearing his camp "rag" in September.
Start studying for 2nd portion of Lt. test which consists of teaching and counseling.
Pick up our legal marriage license.
We both get mammograms and both get called back for follow-up appointments.

August:
8th: Find out that Tikva passed away, Max turns 9 years old, Co-worker kills himself.
10th: Throw swim party for Max's birthday
11th: Stand honor guard for Robert's funeral
12th: Sit shiva for Tikva
19th: Follow-up visit for Michie as Breast Health Center. She is crying. We are crying.
20th: Meet with breast surgeon.
22nd: Surgery to remove suspicious lump. I leave before she is out of surgery, and go to take second portion of Lt. test.
26th: I am empaneled in a jury
27th: AM We put a bid on our new house: Noon: Find out Michie has cancer. Cry together at the civic center. Plan surgery for lymph nodes. I tell judge to take me out of jury panel.
28th: 9:30AM: Win bid on house. 10:15 AM Michie has lymph node biopsy. I am there when she wakes up this time. She tells me she is glad. I am glad.
30th: Have wedding. We are legally married. I fit in my dress I wore 12 years ago.

Sept:
2nd: In escrow on new house.
3rd: Her lymph nodes come back clear. My follow up mammogram comes back clear. Good Day.
4th - now: Start lining up contractors to paint and landscape current house. Inspections on new house, start packing, cleaning and preparing for move.
11th: Meet with oncologist. We love him. No chemo necessary.
25th: Meet with radiologist
27th: Michie takes Inspectors test

October plans:
2nd: Close escrow
4th: Move
Start radiation
Sell old house

End the year in new home, with possible promotions, cancer free and PRESIDENT OBAMA! Grateful for all that we have and how our hard work paid off.

Sometimes life is such a whirl that you need to write it down. Sometimes you have to remember how much happens in a lifetime.

Happy Feet...Happy Us

Michie had her pre-radiation MRI on Monday. We were worried because while she was having this test the tech stupidly said, "What is going on with your right breast?" Since Michie has cancer in her left breast, those words shook both of us to our core. We both walked around in a daze that night, envisioning the worse and simultaneously trying to not take the comment seriously.

The tech was way out of line saying anything at all. She isn't qualified to diagnose the MRI. In the morning, I called the surgeon's office and complained about her unprofessional conduct. I also asked that they call us as soon as the MRI was read so we wouldn't have to stew in our fears more than necessary.

This morning we got the results and are relieved to say that it came back negative for any visible cancer. Lovely words. Lovely feeling. Lovely day. Things are turning up rosy.

Busy as a Bee

I used to read Max this cute board book that talked about being a quick as a cricket, as slow as a snail, and a small as an ant. This week we are a busy as bee's.

We have set up most the contractors that we will need to prep our current (soon to be old house) for sale. We have hired movers, painters and landscapers to make the house look new and pretty and worth a million bucks. We also got bids for a new roof, upgrading the electrical and replacing the asbestos (evil cancer causing) laden heater in the new house. Today I hope to take Max to the paint store to pick the colors for his new room. Michie and I are very clear that we are walking a fine line with all that is going on: between the financial and the emotional...between being broke and broken.

The next big project is packing all our possessions which are apparently quite substantial. The guy who bid on our moving job said it would take 4 burly men 7-8 hours to move everything. And I thought I was good at getting rid of all the junk we collect. We will close escrow on Oct 2nd and most likely will move on the 4th and 5th.

Honestly, it feels good to be moving not just literally but emotionally as well. It is time for a change, and a fresh start for all of us. This is a chance to dump the junk and live a life that has more breathing room and space.

And Happy Birthday to my big brother, Wayne! I love you!

A Good Book...with a Happy Ending

Our meeting with the Oncologist yesterday went really well. He spent over 2 hours with us answering all our questions and coming up with a treatment plan. The short version is that Michie doesn't have a very aggressive form of cancer (it's a kitten not a tiger) and will only need radiation for 6 weeks and then either tamoxifen for up to 5 years and/or removal of the ovaries depending on whether her cancer is fueled by hormones. Regardless, we are in good shape for a long and healthy future together. Whew.

When Dr. Smith sat down he said to us that reading her lab reports was like reading "a good book with a happy ending". That immediately made me cry. I am into the happy ending part.

The statistics that I am sorting out look like this:
If we did nothing else at this point she would have a 85%-90% chance of no further cancer.
With radiation it will reduce that chance (the 15-10%) from 33% to 3% for re-occurrence.
Chemo would only have a 1% chance of helping her so he doesn't suggest she do it. He said that 1% could be more effectively handled through diet and exercise.

Breast cancer is often fueled by the hormones in our bodies. They test for how much each women's specific cancer is fuel by her Estrongen (ER) and Progesterone (PR). Michie's initial test came back ER-/PR+. This is rather rare so he is going to fight with the insurance company and get a genetic test done on it to see if she really is ER-. Her PR+ was 90% positive so he is suspicious about the ER- being negative. If she was postive for both that would be a good thing since they have medicines to deal with that situation.

He isn't going to test at this point for the BRCA (genetic predisposition to Breast Cancer) since she has no family history and there is only a 1/1000 chance that she would be positive for it.

After she is done with radiation we will have follow up appointments with him every 3 months for a year. She will have MRI or Mammograms (alternating) at each of those appointments.

Next steps are setting up an appointment with the radiologist and getting approval for the ER/PR genetic test.

I am incredibly relieved and thankful that we live in a big city and have access to good health care and insurance. I know this is not true for so many women out there. I am sooooo thankful that we caught it early. Everything is going to be alright.

Change is in the Air

About 20 years ago I landed in Havana, Cuba for two weeks. I was a college student involved with an exchange program studying the status of women and their medical care.

I remember a lot of things about that trip. I saw children sing for me at the elementary schools. I saw healthy babies be born after their laboring mothers rocked in chairs next to other laboring mothers. I drank "cuba libres" in the hotel bar, with a guy named Christobol ,who was trying to convince me that Fidel Castro was the next best thing. Maybe he was... Maybe he wasn't... Who knows and who was I to judge what was best for that beautiful little island.

When I think back to my time in Havana, there is one moment that stays with me. I was living on the 16th floor of the old American Hyatt now logically called the Havana Libre. It was hot. Hot like it can only be on an island, in the middle of the summer, in the Caribbean . One afternoon I couldn't take sightseeing anymore and escaped to my room for a siesta.

I stood out on my balcony overlooking the expanse of the city below me. Off in the distance there was a storm coming. I could see the rain coming down in sheets creating a grey blanket over the skyline. The wind picked up and blew all around me. It cooled me and excited me at the same time. It was sensuous and powerful. It was raw. That moment stayed with me because I stood there alone, and watched this storm come towards me. I felt its' power. I stood there and took the soaking that it dumped upon me with gratitude.

I can feel the storm coming towards me now. I can feel the wind whipping around my legs, the water ready to dump down my blouse. I can feel the power of all that the world has to throw at me and I stand here unafraid.

I am grateful for the ability to feel what is coming towards me at such an amazing speed.

How so?

"It all works out in the end.
How so?
I don't know, it's a mystery.... "
- Shakespeare in Love

Mary reminded me of this quote from one our favorite movies the other day. It sums up my general feelings right now. My life plan is a bit of mystery. We are going to be experiencing escrow, radiation, inspector exams, co-chairing the community service event for Synergy, promotions (hopefully), moving, selling our current home and 4th grade all at once over the next two months. It is crazy when I think about it too hard. My check lists are huge and long. The quantity of tasks to be done are overwhelming.

But I know that I have several things on my side. Friends who know how to move, sell, and buy homes and will walk us through the process. Excellent doctors and research oriented family members that will help us make decisions. Time to take off from work to take care of Michie and to unpack all our stuff. I just have to learn to ask for help and it will show up.

And I guess ultimately that I have faith that it will all work out in the end. It's a mystery how, but it will all work out in the end.

Thinking Good Thoughts

"Is there anything I can do to help you?", I ask Michie after she spent two hours throwing up this morning. "Just think good thoughts", she responds. Her arm is over her face hiding from the nausea.

Michie is a "delicate" gal is few ways, but this one. She can not take any kind of narcotic. She is very easily nauseated. We even decide if we are going to a movie based on whether or not the images will constantly pan across the screen. Needless to say, most of the movie "Titanic" was spent with Michie's head in my lap hiding from the shifting images.

So yesterday, after seeing the doctor about her post-operative pain he suggested that she try Ultram. Ultram is a 'narcotic-like' drug taken for moderate to severe pain. Ultram should never be taken by anyone addicted to drugs before. Good to know. She took it in the evening before we went to bed. Spent the entire night dizzy and woke up puking at 4:30AM. Still hasn't stopped.

My plans for the day are shifting as I sit here and type. Sometimes, less is more.

Joy

If you had told me a week ago that I would be this happy that Michie had to go through radiation treatments for six week, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. It is truly amazing how relative everything is in your life.

When we arrived at school today, everyone had stories of how they or someone in their family was sick and facing serious illness. It was scary. But it also served to give us a healthy perspective about what we were actually facing. We realized that this is small potatoes compared to what else is out there. That we were lucky on so many fronts.

With the lab results coming back as negative, we were both just bouncing off the walls. When we picked up Max at school we told him that we had good news. He looked straight at us and said, "No cancer?" "Yep", we replied. "No cancer in the lymph nodes." He just smiled and kept working on his project. The we went out for a celebration dinner and ice cream cones.

As far as I am concerned Michie is cancer free at this point. They got the cancer out, with clear margins and it hasn't spread into her lymph nodes. We will just do the radiation to kill any little bastards that might have gotten away.

Oh and by the way. My follow up mammogram came back negative for any cancer this morning.

Good news!

We finally got the results back from the lab.

All of the lymph nodes were clear of cancer!

Enough said. It's a good day.

Hope is Present Tense

Hope lives in the present tense. Right now, as this moment, I have great hope for everything turning out just fine.

-I hope that the cancer hasn't spread.
-I hope that all her lab reports come back with postive indicators for low re-occurance.
-I hope that we will get to work with the oncologist that comes so highly recommended for Michie.
-I hope that radiation will go smoothly, and not make her too tired or sick.
-I hope she doesn't have to do chemotherapy.
-I hope that in a year, we will look at this as a small bump in the road of our lives.

Michie is doing better now that the surgeries are a few days behind us. Max and I are competing over who wraps her ice pack better with the ace bandage. It is a tight competition since he has gotten really good at it.

She is at home today (while I work) and will see her surgeon this afternoon to check on some post surgery inflammation she is experiencing. She says the phone has been ringing off the hook as word has spread through the department. I also managed to get an appointment with an oncologist Dr. Smith, who comes very highly recommended, for Sept 11th. I hope this means we are officially in as a patient, but I'm not sure.

Little kindnesses are popping us everywhere. Yesterday, after yoga class, I sat on the floor and cried. One of the women in the class came over and put her arm around me. She didn't know me but she stood by me, while I allowed myself a few minutes to be sad. It was lovely and her kindness stayed with me all day.

The Long Haul

September 1 is here. August is officially over. Usually August is a great month. Max, and both our Mom's have their birthdays, plus several friends. It is usually a time of celebration and preparing for the new school year. This August was different, but now it is over and September is here.

If you know me, you know that I like to plan and organize my life. I like to know what I am going to be doing in two weeks and how my weeks will look for the upcoming month. But I guess I am seeing, my method of planning won't work for the next chunk of 2008. Everything is fluid and moving. Most things in my life will not be decided by me, but by doctors, health, finances and that divine force which connects us all.

There are great lessons in all of this for me. Learn to let go and trust that things will work out. Trust that Michie will be just fine. Trust that Max will survive all this a better stronger young man. We will get through this together, and with the help of our amazing friends and family. Stay in the moment. Breathe. In and out, once day at a time, one decision at a time.

Overwhelm

Back at work today. "Oh right Robert killed himself. Now I remember. Shit." That seems like that should be the smallest of concerns in my heart right now, but still it saddens me.

Man. I have got to come up with a plan for taking care of myself through all of this. I did sleep better last night and didn't wake up until my alarm clock went off this morning at 6:30. This is a real achievement for the week.

I know the usual's are on the list for taking care of myself. Sleep is good. Naps are also excellent. Working out is good. Yoga could possibly save my sanity. Fruits, veggies, water and medicinal chocolate in moderation also move me in a good direction.

There are two part of me functioning right now. Practical Cynthia, it will all be okay. Let's get this done and knock this cancer out baby. The other side is just freakin' scared and worried about taking care of Michie, explaining all of this to Max, and making sure that homework gets done and the bills get paid. I know that even if the test results come back good this week, we still are facing up to six weeks of radiation. None of this is insurmountable, and I am blessed with enough time to take off work and take care of Michie as needed. I know it will be okay. But I am just overwhelmed today.

Wedding Photos

Our flower girls and a man-child.

Click on the photos to make them larger.

Waiting for the big event to start.

Dave did a great job of making it light and thoughtful. Perfect.

Max was our ring bearer.

A very happy audience.

More wedding photos

Reading our vows, tears and all.

Dave brought a centered and meaningful space to the whole event.

Our boy was as teary as everyone else.

The full monty...taken down for Zoe to see how big the dress really is.

The cake with margaritas on the side of course.

Vows to my love

Michie,

When we got married 12 years ago, we wrote in our invitation that we were “seeking strength from the known, for the journey into the unknown.” We often joke that we “just don’t know.” We don’t know what the future holds, or how our lives can turn on a dime. We don’t know what amazing adventures lie ahead.

But actually I do know a lot of things.

I know this love I have for you is real and true and endless.

I know this love I have for our family and friends is at the heart of every single good thing in my life.

I know when I am afraid; it is your hand in mine that keeps me strong and brave.

I know that, for me, true joy is hearing your laugh from all the way across our home.

I know our hearts re-connect through late night conversations, and our desire to be abidingly honest and direct.

I know we are still so in love when we reach for each other, even when we haven’t had two minutes to talk all day.

I know playing with you brings me home.

I know that you are my home and my heart.

Of course, I don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know what tomorrow, next Wednesday, or the next decades will bring. I don’t know what joys and sorrows we will face.

But I know that we will face them together. Whether it waking up from anesthesia, playing, laughing, crying, or raising our amazing son.

I know we will be each others Bear.

This is my promise to you.

Sunshine...kind of....

The sun is up (I think, lots of fog today) and everything is going to be alright. This 4AM wake-up has got to stop.

We are having our wedding ceremony today. Yeah! I have convinced Michie to stay in bed all morning so she will have "strength" to suffer through me telling her how much I love her. She needs to not move around too much because of the inflammation under her arm. That girl is stubborn by the way. I have to get all Lt. on her to get her to take it easy. Good thing I have been practicing so much over the last 9 months.

We have our box of goodies to take to Mary and Joe's house for the big event. The vows, photos, CD's of music and my dress. Can't forget the dress. It will be a lovely event. I can't wait.

4AM

Four In The Morning - Gwen Stefani

"Wakin up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had it's say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think,
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I know you're here, in the dark
I'm watchin you sleep, it hurts a lot"

I hate pink.

Why is the breast cancer ribbon pink? I am sure there is a valid reason but shouldn't it be kick ass green? Or a power shade of red? I have never been a pink girl (no offense to all the young girls in my life who love pink). I've always favored the colors red and dark green. Red like true love. Green like the dark redwood forest. I hate pink.

For the second day in a row, I was wide awake at 4AM. Michie was too, after sleeping for 12 hours, and we had a nice chance to talk and percolate the change in our lives. She held me, my eyes leaked, and we just talked. The waiting is the hardest part at this point. Meanwhile I will be setting up the appointments with the oncologist and radiologist so they are ready to go as soon as we know whether or not the cancer has spread.

Michie slept well and she seems to be right back to her normal 'let's go out and do errands' self. Which is typical for her first day post op. Her pain is being well managed with the valium and advil which is good since she is very allergic to any kind of narcotics or opiates. I am going to try and keep her down to a dull roar today 'cause I need her upright for our wedding ceremony tomorrow. As least, upright enough to get there, drink margaritas, and say 'I do'.

I am grateful for all the amazing emails we got yesterday. I am grateful for all the sweet and concerned phone calls left on our voice mail. I am grateful we have good health insurance. I am grateful for those who have already come with us to the hospital, brought us food and flowers, want to do research, and run small errands. I am grateful that there are so many folks that I can ask for help.

Today

So a quick update since I know everyone is concerned, as evidenced by the loving multitude of phone calls and emails we have received. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I can not begin to express how much it all means to us.

The surgery went well. We don't have info on the status of the lymph nodes but they didn't appear like obvious cancer. Of course that is what they said last week as well... They did take out three lymph nodes since that is where the coloring dye (injected in the site of the cancer to see where that area drains) ran too. This is just fine and isn't cause for increased concern. We should have lab results on the nodes next Tuesday or Wednesday.

Michie is recovering just fine from the surgery. She is drowsy and managing a bit of pain but I have Valium to help her along those lines. We are well taken care of. We love you all. - Cynthia

OK

Ok. Ok. Okay. Here we go. So Michie has cancer. Small, slow growing hopefully not in the lymph nodes cancer. Caught early, with clear margins hopefully all out of her body fuckin' breast cancer. She has cancer and that is never a good word to apply to anyone you love.

Tomorrow they will remove a lymph node under her left arm and check to see if the cancer has spread. (Please NO. Please. NO Please No.) I have good company during the surgery. Mary and Joanne - Articulate, intelligent funny women who can keep me on keel and sane. Friends who are true. I am so grateful for my friends.

On Saturday, we will get married legally. We will be surrounded by our family and that will be the best part of it all. A time to celebrate how truely wealthy we are in heart and community. It is these moments of deepest fear that you know how much you truly love and how much you have to lose.

Calm

Ah the sweet calm of unstressed life. Breakfast in bed. Max watching cartoons. Michie and I blogging and setting up our new cell phones. Quiet. No need to study. The house is messy but who really cares. Even the cat has decided to take a nap after vocalizing his distress over the birds in the back yard.

Last week was one of those times that come just to remind you to enjoy these quiet moments. Last week was a time to face fear and know that you will be ok.

It is a good time to be thankful for our health. Thankful for our home. Thankful for each other. Today I am just so very thankful.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Well after a rejuvenating weekend in Aptos with Mary and Joe, I arrived home to my appointment letter for the second section of the Lt. test. I am taking it on Friday, August 22 at 2PM.

8,22,2PM,08 for those who like numbers. Sounds like a good number to me. Repeat numbers have always had significance in my life. Max was born on 8/8/99. Michie and I were married on 7/7 and Kris passed away on 6/6.

So I will be studying once again especially since the last week got very overwhelming.

I am focused and thinking positively. "I will be calm and confident during the test." "I am knowledgeable and in command during the test." I will write these statements on post-it notes and put them up all over my house. I will. I will.

PS: For those of you who heard that they split this part of the test between August and September, they actually unsplit it! So this is the complete and final section of the test.

Frailty

It has been a sad and strange week. On the morning of August 8th I heard that my friend's baby daughter passed away. I could never articulate the short and beautiful life that she possessed better than her parents. If you would like to read about our sweet Tikva's passing please follow either of these links.

http://growinginside.blogspot.com/2008/08/breath-of-fresh-air.html

or

http://web.mac.com/dspinrad/iWeb/Video/8%20August.html

We told Max about Tikva and he was sad. "I never got to meet her," he said. I explained that she had just been too delicate to have visitors. Then we shared a long, long hug. I never meet her either but I feel that I got to know her. Her parents both blogged eloquently about their journey. I was fortunate enough to share many conversations with Dave about her life. She was a truly loved child and that is all any of us could hope for in our lives. Rest in Peace Sweet Mighty Heart.


The 8th was also Max's birthday and despite the sad news we wanted to celebrate our boy turning nine. We took Max to the San Jose Tech Museum and had a lovely family day, just the three of us. When we came home after dinner, Michie and Max loaded his new iPod with a few choice songs including - "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple. While I was reading the post about Tikva's passing the phone rang. It was a fellow firefighter that I am studying with for the Lt. test. He told me that one of our co-workers at work had committed suicide the day before. Silence. Your brain just goes silent when you hear those words come out of a mouth.

Robert was a good person. We shared the driver's spot on Engine 46 and he drove the watch following me. We had worked together last Saturday and Sunday, both doing 48 hr. watches in unison. He was sad that weekend, but he has been so sad for so many months that it wasn't unusual. In the morning, he helped me wash the engine. We bet each other a latte over how long a piece of machinery he had fixed would last. He introduced me to the wonder of epoxy glue. He was animated at dinner that night, answering my questions about the rules of Nascar. The next day he took me outside in the morning and told me he was sorry for being such a burden on me and everyone. I replied that we all suffer hard times and it was his turn to need help. Some day in the future, I would cry on his shoulder and need his support. He replied that he 'doubted that day would come'. I laughed and said, "Don't worry. Life is long and my turn will come."

Our lives run together, our sorrows and joys blend into those around us. We never truly know what is going on in the hearts of those we love and care about. We never know the hidden depths that some struggle with internally. We can only guess at the secrets that are kept and the pain that is held. I knew he was suffering, but was at a loss how more to help him.

Everyone at the firehouse was trying to help Robert. He leaned on us all and everyone gave back what they could. I wished I could have stopped him. We all wish that. I wish I had understood what he meant when he said that he 'doubted that day would come'. We all tried to help him, but in the end it wasn't enough. Rest in peace Robert. You were a good heart and a dear friend. You will be missed.

Knowing

What words do you offer a friend who is losing his child? How do you comfort that which is unfathomable to yourself? Tears run down my face, both with the love I have for this sweet family and with the sorrow of watching them walk this path. We need a miracle...

Please. Please. Please.

Tomorrow Max turns Nine. Nine years ago I gave birth. I was in labor on this day, nine years ago. Nine years ago, I became a mother. Nine years ago our family went from two to three. Nine years from now, Max will graduate from high school. Nine years from now, he will go to college and leave home. Nine is the middle point. Nine is hard to digest.

Help me. Help me. Help me.

The phone call came back with, "She needs to come in for a follow up mammogram." I reassure her it is routine and will come to nothing. How many times have I received that same phone call. Two? Three? Always a non-existent threat. Still I worry...

Please. Please. Please.

I am supposed to be saying positive affirmations for my performance on the test. That is what they say. Keep repeating, " I am calm and confident during the test." But I don't feel calm, nor confident about much right now. I feel adrift and floating in the middle of a stormy sea. The anchor is long gone. I am waiting for the clarity. The fog to lift up and the sun to show through.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Respect and a hot dog

Max loves hot dogs. It is one of his favorite school lunches. We even have a special hot dog container that holds a smidgen of catchup in the middle, separate from the sliced dog pieces that lay around it. He often comes home with lunch left in his bag but never when we send hot dogs. Those get eaten.

Max also loves our friend Dave. Lately we have been cooking for Dave and his family, and since they keep Kosher it has led to some conversations between Max and I about respecting others traditions and needs, even if we don't follow those same traditions.

Some times your kids actually listen to you. Last week, Max attended a science camp which is held in a local Jewish school. The school requested that no pork be sent in camp lunches. We told Max about it, and said that we would honor their request. But on Tuesday, when he came home from camp, he was very hungry. His lunch hadn't been eaten. When Michie asked him why he didn't eat his beloved hot dogs, he stated that he thought they might have been made of pork so he didn't want to eat them.

It makes me so proud to have a son who is willing to forgo his own lunch (all beef hot dogs by the way) in order to respect the traditions of others. We told him the dogs were fine to eat and he dove into his left overs and finished off his lunch at 3PM.

I guess it is just a reminder to me, that what we teach our kids does get through. What is important to me, is passed onto Max. As Max grows up it will be his decision what lessons to keep and which don't work for him. Judging by the young man that he is becoming, that is just fine with me.

Inspired

There are moments in life when you feel like you can see the future. People or events conspire to help you envision your own potential and power. I had this very experience last week.

I attended a workshop with some truly amazing women. Chief's and Captains from some of the largest cities in our country. They are successful fire officers who are smart, savvy and on the top of their game.

They provided the women (and a few men) with a workshop to help us prepare for the second part of the Lieutenant's test. They were very, very successful. Not only did they give us practice scenarios both for the teaching and the counseling sections, they also provided us with concrete ideas for handling difficult situations. It made me feel capable and confident. They gave us an assortment of tools for actually doing the job of being a fire officer. They spoke from experience, and from their hearts, about how to manage this job with integrity while being in command.

I came home not only better prepared, but actually excited at the though moving up in the department. I could see the future, and in it I am an officer in this department.

Here we go again...

It is time to get my mojo going and start preparing for the 2nd portion of the Lieutenant's exam. Frankly, I just don't feel super motiviated. I kind of blew all my energy on the first section, so having to do it all over again just feels arduous. So here is my list of "why I should buck up and start working."

1) I have already put hundreds of hours into studying and letting it slide now would just be stupid.
2) Everyone else is also tired and doesn't want to study, so if I do that will put me that much further ahead.
3) The 2nd portion of the test is in 5 weeks so it is actually a rather short time to work.
4) The test itself appears rather simple so knowing all the information shouldn't be that difficult. This test is really about presence and presentation. (It will test teaching and managing problem employee's)
5) I NEVER want to study for the LT. test again. My next test will be for a Captain's job.

Al Gore's Speech

Ladies and gentlemen:

There are times in the history of our nation when our very way of life depends upon dispelling illusions and awakening to the challenge of a present danger. In such moments, we are called upon to move quickly and boldly to shake off complacency, throw aside old habits and rise, clear-eyed and alert, to the necessity of big changes. Those who, for whatever reason, refuse to do their part must either be persuaded to join the effort or asked to step aside. This is such a moment. The survival of the United States of America as we know it is at risk. And even more – if more should be required – the future of human civilization is at stake.

I don’t remember a time in our country when so many things seemed to be going so wrong simultaneously. Our economy is in terrible shape and getting worse, gasoline prices are increasing dramatically, and so are electricity rates. Jobs are being outsourced. Home mortgages are in trouble. Banks, automobile companies and other institutions we depend upon are under growing pressure. Distinguished senior business leaders are telling us that this is just the beginning unless we find the courage to make some major changes quickly.

The climate crisis, in particular, is getting a lot worse – much more quickly than predicted. Scientists with access to data from Navy submarines traversing underneath the North polar ice cap have warned that there is now a 75 percent chance that within five years the entire ice cap will completely disappear during the summer months. This will further increase the melting pressure on Greenland. According to experts, the Jakobshavn glacier, one of Greenland’s largest, is moving at a faster rate than ever before, losing 20 million tons of ice every day, equivalent to the amount of water used every year by the residents of New York City.

Two major studies from military intelligence experts have warned our leaders about the dangerous national security implications of the climate crisis, including the possibility of hundreds of millions of climate refugees destabilizing nations around the world.

Just two days ago, 27 senior statesmen and retired military leaders warned of the national security threat from an “energy tsunami” that would be triggered by a loss of our access to foreign oil. Meanwhile, the war in Iraq continues, and now the war in Afghanistan appears to be getting worse.

And by the way, our weather sure is getting strange, isn’t it? There seem to be more tornadoes than in living memory, longer droughts, bigger downpours and record floods. Unprecedented fires are burning in California and elsewhere in the American West. Higher temperatures lead to drier vegetation that makes kindling for mega-fires of the kind that have been raging in Canada, Greece, Russia, China, South America, Australia and Africa. Scientists in the Department of Geophysics and Planetary Science at Tel Aviv University tell us that for every one degree increase in temperature, lightning strikes will go up another 10 percent. And it is lightning, after all, that is principally responsible for igniting the conflagration in California today.

Like a lot of people, it seems to me that all these problems are bigger than any of the solutions that have thus far been proposed for them, and that’s been worrying me.

I’m convinced that one reason we’ve seemed paralyzed in the face of these crises is our tendency to offer old solutions to each crisis separately – without taking the others into account. And these outdated proposals have not only been ineffective – they almost always make the other crises even worse.

Yet when we look at all three of these seemingly intractable challenges at the same time, we can see the common thread running through them, deeply ironic in its simplicity: our dangerous over-reliance on carbon-based fuels is at the core of all three of these challenges – the economic, environmental and national security crises.

We’re borrowing money from China to buy oil from the Persian Gulf to burn it in ways that destroy the planet. Every bit of that’s got to change.

Sweetness

We picked up our official wedding license on Monday. It was so sweet to be in the happiest room at City Hall with all those other gay and straight couples.

They gave us a booklet that informed us of our birth control options and how to prevent STD's. (Michie is holding it below the license in the photo.) It looks like it was written for 18 year olds. Very funny. I think they should give us a book on how to fund college and plan for retirement.

Nine Good Fingers

True story:
His wife will be in labor soon with their second child. Their four year old daughter is chatting and getting into the car. "Make sure she doesn't smash her fingers in the door", he thinks. They go grocery shopping and get food they will need for the busy week ahead. Milk, eggs, chicken...things that are easy to prepare and will keep. The baby is coming and life is uncertain. No planning too far ahead. Only 'hope' is the constant in their lives, as they plan to take care of this baby that may or may not survive being born.

Back to the car, groceries into the trunk and the conversationalist into her car seat. He turns and slams the door shut...directly onto his finger. Oh deep pain running up his arm.

He has many choices. Scream. Yell. Swear. Jump up and down in pain. But he just walks around the car. Takes several very deep breathes and gets behind the steering wheel. He spread his hands out in front of him and looks. "I have nine good fingers.", he repeats to himself over and over. "Nine good fingers." Strangely enough the more he says it the less his injured finger hurts. He starts the car and heads back to his wife. She gives birth that night, and the baby thrives.

The Nature of the Bear

In my family there is a saying that it is just the 'nature of the bear'. We are just the way we are and that is our nature. We each have our intrinsic personalities that are solidified into our ways of dealing with the world. Cynthia is organized and loves to play the piano. Michie loves looking out the car window to search for birds. And Max.... well Max loves to laugh.

It is never more apparent then when we go to the theater. Last night we saw "Wall-e". I realized that what I love most about seeing movies with him is that he laughs. I love that my son has a sense of humor. He gets the joke of a situation whether it is a physical or verbal. His unbounded joy makes me laugh and soon we are cracking-up together over the silliness of it all. I think it is the best sound a parent can ever hear. Their child happy and laughing.

Shreve and Co. Made Me Cry

It was worse than those sappy Hallmark commercials that always made you cry. I was driving home and a local diamond company came on the radio with their usual wedding ring commercial. I have listened to these commercials for years. Always the man or woman states how much they love their woman or man, how Shreve is a San Francisco tradition and that they will buy their wedding rings there.

I though to myself, "Geez isn't it time they included all couples in their ads?" And then they did! The ad continued with a lesbian couple, and a gay couple saying how excited they were to be getting married. It made me cry.

I know they just are taking advantage of the windfall that will come from all these marriages. It is just marketing and sales. But there is something powerful about hearing your relationship confirmed. It felt like the first time I ever saw a lesbian relationship portrayed on TV. It was mind jarring to see my future normalized is such a basic way. It is just nice to be part of the flow. Nice to be part of a San Francisco tradition.

Wrap Up

Even after an amazing trip there is nothing like coming home. All the signs are there: fog settling over the fence in our back yard, mocking birds mockin' my sleep at three AM, and when I wake-up the distant roar of the ocean drifts through our bedroom window. There is nothing like the city by the bay. The sounds. The smells. The bills to pay....

Overall, the trip was fantastic. New York was a great end to our little journey. We saw dinosaurs and great works of art. Visited the M&M store at least 4 times and took the subway everywhere. We took a carriage ride through the park with a driver that should have been cast in Jersey Boys.



The last night we spent in Queens with my Mom's cousins Caroline and George. Caroline and George are as good as people on this earth can get. Kind. Generous. Funny. "Salt of the earth", as my mom would say. They were so incredibly warm and welcoming. We also got to see our cousins, Peter and Robert and their wives and sons as well.



It feels amazingly good to be home, but I am tired. After we unpacked, I spent 36 hours in bed just sleeping and trying to recover from exhaustion. Michie did manage to get a Wii Fit while in New York so we have also been very busy exercising in our virtual environment. Fun. Fun.