Frailty

It has been a sad and strange week. On the morning of August 8th I heard that my friend's baby daughter passed away. I could never articulate the short and beautiful life that she possessed better than her parents. If you would like to read about our sweet Tikva's passing please follow either of these links.

http://growinginside.blogspot.com/2008/08/breath-of-fresh-air.html

or

http://web.mac.com/dspinrad/iWeb/Video/8%20August.html

We told Max about Tikva and he was sad. "I never got to meet her," he said. I explained that she had just been too delicate to have visitors. Then we shared a long, long hug. I never meet her either but I feel that I got to know her. Her parents both blogged eloquently about their journey. I was fortunate enough to share many conversations with Dave about her life. She was a truly loved child and that is all any of us could hope for in our lives. Rest in Peace Sweet Mighty Heart.


The 8th was also Max's birthday and despite the sad news we wanted to celebrate our boy turning nine. We took Max to the San Jose Tech Museum and had a lovely family day, just the three of us. When we came home after dinner, Michie and Max loaded his new iPod with a few choice songs including - "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple. While I was reading the post about Tikva's passing the phone rang. It was a fellow firefighter that I am studying with for the Lt. test. He told me that one of our co-workers at work had committed suicide the day before. Silence. Your brain just goes silent when you hear those words come out of a mouth.

Robert was a good person. We shared the driver's spot on Engine 46 and he drove the watch following me. We had worked together last Saturday and Sunday, both doing 48 hr. watches in unison. He was sad that weekend, but he has been so sad for so many months that it wasn't unusual. In the morning, he helped me wash the engine. We bet each other a latte over how long a piece of machinery he had fixed would last. He introduced me to the wonder of epoxy glue. He was animated at dinner that night, answering my questions about the rules of Nascar. The next day he took me outside in the morning and told me he was sorry for being such a burden on me and everyone. I replied that we all suffer hard times and it was his turn to need help. Some day in the future, I would cry on his shoulder and need his support. He replied that he 'doubted that day would come'. I laughed and said, "Don't worry. Life is long and my turn will come."

Our lives run together, our sorrows and joys blend into those around us. We never truly know what is going on in the hearts of those we love and care about. We never know the hidden depths that some struggle with internally. We can only guess at the secrets that are kept and the pain that is held. I knew he was suffering, but was at a loss how more to help him.

Everyone at the firehouse was trying to help Robert. He leaned on us all and everyone gave back what they could. I wished I could have stopped him. We all wish that. I wish I had understood what he meant when he said that he 'doubted that day would come'. We all tried to help him, but in the end it wasn't enough. Rest in peace Robert. You were a good heart and a dear friend. You will be missed.