Overwhelm

Back at work today. "Oh right Robert killed himself. Now I remember. Shit." That seems like that should be the smallest of concerns in my heart right now, but still it saddens me.

Man. I have got to come up with a plan for taking care of myself through all of this. I did sleep better last night and didn't wake up until my alarm clock went off this morning at 6:30. This is a real achievement for the week.

I know the usual's are on the list for taking care of myself. Sleep is good. Naps are also excellent. Working out is good. Yoga could possibly save my sanity. Fruits, veggies, water and medicinal chocolate in moderation also move me in a good direction.

There are two part of me functioning right now. Practical Cynthia, it will all be okay. Let's get this done and knock this cancer out baby. The other side is just freakin' scared and worried about taking care of Michie, explaining all of this to Max, and making sure that homework gets done and the bills get paid. I know that even if the test results come back good this week, we still are facing up to six weeks of radiation. None of this is insurmountable, and I am blessed with enough time to take off work and take care of Michie as needed. I know it will be okay. But I am just overwhelmed today.

Wedding Photos

Our flower girls and a man-child.

Click on the photos to make them larger.

Waiting for the big event to start.

Dave did a great job of making it light and thoughtful. Perfect.

Max was our ring bearer.

A very happy audience.

More wedding photos

Reading our vows, tears and all.

Dave brought a centered and meaningful space to the whole event.

Our boy was as teary as everyone else.

The full monty...taken down for Zoe to see how big the dress really is.

The cake with margaritas on the side of course.

Vows to my love

Michie,

When we got married 12 years ago, we wrote in our invitation that we were “seeking strength from the known, for the journey into the unknown.” We often joke that we “just don’t know.” We don’t know what the future holds, or how our lives can turn on a dime. We don’t know what amazing adventures lie ahead.

But actually I do know a lot of things.

I know this love I have for you is real and true and endless.

I know this love I have for our family and friends is at the heart of every single good thing in my life.

I know when I am afraid; it is your hand in mine that keeps me strong and brave.

I know that, for me, true joy is hearing your laugh from all the way across our home.

I know our hearts re-connect through late night conversations, and our desire to be abidingly honest and direct.

I know we are still so in love when we reach for each other, even when we haven’t had two minutes to talk all day.

I know playing with you brings me home.

I know that you are my home and my heart.

Of course, I don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know what tomorrow, next Wednesday, or the next decades will bring. I don’t know what joys and sorrows we will face.

But I know that we will face them together. Whether it waking up from anesthesia, playing, laughing, crying, or raising our amazing son.

I know we will be each others Bear.

This is my promise to you.

Sunshine...kind of....

The sun is up (I think, lots of fog today) and everything is going to be alright. This 4AM wake-up has got to stop.

We are having our wedding ceremony today. Yeah! I have convinced Michie to stay in bed all morning so she will have "strength" to suffer through me telling her how much I love her. She needs to not move around too much because of the inflammation under her arm. That girl is stubborn by the way. I have to get all Lt. on her to get her to take it easy. Good thing I have been practicing so much over the last 9 months.

We have our box of goodies to take to Mary and Joe's house for the big event. The vows, photos, CD's of music and my dress. Can't forget the dress. It will be a lovely event. I can't wait.

4AM

Four In The Morning - Gwen Stefani

"Wakin up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had it's say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think,
When I let it sink in
It's all over me
I know you're here, in the dark
I'm watchin you sleep, it hurts a lot"

I hate pink.

Why is the breast cancer ribbon pink? I am sure there is a valid reason but shouldn't it be kick ass green? Or a power shade of red? I have never been a pink girl (no offense to all the young girls in my life who love pink). I've always favored the colors red and dark green. Red like true love. Green like the dark redwood forest. I hate pink.

For the second day in a row, I was wide awake at 4AM. Michie was too, after sleeping for 12 hours, and we had a nice chance to talk and percolate the change in our lives. She held me, my eyes leaked, and we just talked. The waiting is the hardest part at this point. Meanwhile I will be setting up the appointments with the oncologist and radiologist so they are ready to go as soon as we know whether or not the cancer has spread.

Michie slept well and she seems to be right back to her normal 'let's go out and do errands' self. Which is typical for her first day post op. Her pain is being well managed with the valium and advil which is good since she is very allergic to any kind of narcotics or opiates. I am going to try and keep her down to a dull roar today 'cause I need her upright for our wedding ceremony tomorrow. As least, upright enough to get there, drink margaritas, and say 'I do'.

I am grateful for all the amazing emails we got yesterday. I am grateful for all the sweet and concerned phone calls left on our voice mail. I am grateful we have good health insurance. I am grateful for those who have already come with us to the hospital, brought us food and flowers, want to do research, and run small errands. I am grateful that there are so many folks that I can ask for help.

Today

So a quick update since I know everyone is concerned, as evidenced by the loving multitude of phone calls and emails we have received. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I can not begin to express how much it all means to us.

The surgery went well. We don't have info on the status of the lymph nodes but they didn't appear like obvious cancer. Of course that is what they said last week as well... They did take out three lymph nodes since that is where the coloring dye (injected in the site of the cancer to see where that area drains) ran too. This is just fine and isn't cause for increased concern. We should have lab results on the nodes next Tuesday or Wednesday.

Michie is recovering just fine from the surgery. She is drowsy and managing a bit of pain but I have Valium to help her along those lines. We are well taken care of. We love you all. - Cynthia

OK

Ok. Ok. Okay. Here we go. So Michie has cancer. Small, slow growing hopefully not in the lymph nodes cancer. Caught early, with clear margins hopefully all out of her body fuckin' breast cancer. She has cancer and that is never a good word to apply to anyone you love.

Tomorrow they will remove a lymph node under her left arm and check to see if the cancer has spread. (Please NO. Please. NO Please No.) I have good company during the surgery. Mary and Joanne - Articulate, intelligent funny women who can keep me on keel and sane. Friends who are true. I am so grateful for my friends.

On Saturday, we will get married legally. We will be surrounded by our family and that will be the best part of it all. A time to celebrate how truely wealthy we are in heart and community. It is these moments of deepest fear that you know how much you truly love and how much you have to lose.

Calm

Ah the sweet calm of unstressed life. Breakfast in bed. Max watching cartoons. Michie and I blogging and setting up our new cell phones. Quiet. No need to study. The house is messy but who really cares. Even the cat has decided to take a nap after vocalizing his distress over the birds in the back yard.

Last week was one of those times that come just to remind you to enjoy these quiet moments. Last week was a time to face fear and know that you will be ok.

It is a good time to be thankful for our health. Thankful for our home. Thankful for each other. Today I am just so very thankful.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Well after a rejuvenating weekend in Aptos with Mary and Joe, I arrived home to my appointment letter for the second section of the Lt. test. I am taking it on Friday, August 22 at 2PM.

8,22,2PM,08 for those who like numbers. Sounds like a good number to me. Repeat numbers have always had significance in my life. Max was born on 8/8/99. Michie and I were married on 7/7 and Kris passed away on 6/6.

So I will be studying once again especially since the last week got very overwhelming.

I am focused and thinking positively. "I will be calm and confident during the test." "I am knowledgeable and in command during the test." I will write these statements on post-it notes and put them up all over my house. I will. I will.

PS: For those of you who heard that they split this part of the test between August and September, they actually unsplit it! So this is the complete and final section of the test.

Frailty

It has been a sad and strange week. On the morning of August 8th I heard that my friend's baby daughter passed away. I could never articulate the short and beautiful life that she possessed better than her parents. If you would like to read about our sweet Tikva's passing please follow either of these links.

http://growinginside.blogspot.com/2008/08/breath-of-fresh-air.html

or

http://web.mac.com/dspinrad/iWeb/Video/8%20August.html

We told Max about Tikva and he was sad. "I never got to meet her," he said. I explained that she had just been too delicate to have visitors. Then we shared a long, long hug. I never meet her either but I feel that I got to know her. Her parents both blogged eloquently about their journey. I was fortunate enough to share many conversations with Dave about her life. She was a truly loved child and that is all any of us could hope for in our lives. Rest in Peace Sweet Mighty Heart.


The 8th was also Max's birthday and despite the sad news we wanted to celebrate our boy turning nine. We took Max to the San Jose Tech Museum and had a lovely family day, just the three of us. When we came home after dinner, Michie and Max loaded his new iPod with a few choice songs including - "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple. While I was reading the post about Tikva's passing the phone rang. It was a fellow firefighter that I am studying with for the Lt. test. He told me that one of our co-workers at work had committed suicide the day before. Silence. Your brain just goes silent when you hear those words come out of a mouth.

Robert was a good person. We shared the driver's spot on Engine 46 and he drove the watch following me. We had worked together last Saturday and Sunday, both doing 48 hr. watches in unison. He was sad that weekend, but he has been so sad for so many months that it wasn't unusual. In the morning, he helped me wash the engine. We bet each other a latte over how long a piece of machinery he had fixed would last. He introduced me to the wonder of epoxy glue. He was animated at dinner that night, answering my questions about the rules of Nascar. The next day he took me outside in the morning and told me he was sorry for being such a burden on me and everyone. I replied that we all suffer hard times and it was his turn to need help. Some day in the future, I would cry on his shoulder and need his support. He replied that he 'doubted that day would come'. I laughed and said, "Don't worry. Life is long and my turn will come."

Our lives run together, our sorrows and joys blend into those around us. We never truly know what is going on in the hearts of those we love and care about. We never know the hidden depths that some struggle with internally. We can only guess at the secrets that are kept and the pain that is held. I knew he was suffering, but was at a loss how more to help him.

Everyone at the firehouse was trying to help Robert. He leaned on us all and everyone gave back what they could. I wished I could have stopped him. We all wish that. I wish I had understood what he meant when he said that he 'doubted that day would come'. We all tried to help him, but in the end it wasn't enough. Rest in peace Robert. You were a good heart and a dear friend. You will be missed.

Knowing

What words do you offer a friend who is losing his child? How do you comfort that which is unfathomable to yourself? Tears run down my face, both with the love I have for this sweet family and with the sorrow of watching them walk this path. We need a miracle...

Please. Please. Please.

Tomorrow Max turns Nine. Nine years ago I gave birth. I was in labor on this day, nine years ago. Nine years ago, I became a mother. Nine years ago our family went from two to three. Nine years from now, Max will graduate from high school. Nine years from now, he will go to college and leave home. Nine is the middle point. Nine is hard to digest.

Help me. Help me. Help me.

The phone call came back with, "She needs to come in for a follow up mammogram." I reassure her it is routine and will come to nothing. How many times have I received that same phone call. Two? Three? Always a non-existent threat. Still I worry...

Please. Please. Please.

I am supposed to be saying positive affirmations for my performance on the test. That is what they say. Keep repeating, " I am calm and confident during the test." But I don't feel calm, nor confident about much right now. I feel adrift and floating in the middle of a stormy sea. The anchor is long gone. I am waiting for the clarity. The fog to lift up and the sun to show through.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Respect and a hot dog

Max loves hot dogs. It is one of his favorite school lunches. We even have a special hot dog container that holds a smidgen of catchup in the middle, separate from the sliced dog pieces that lay around it. He often comes home with lunch left in his bag but never when we send hot dogs. Those get eaten.

Max also loves our friend Dave. Lately we have been cooking for Dave and his family, and since they keep Kosher it has led to some conversations between Max and I about respecting others traditions and needs, even if we don't follow those same traditions.

Some times your kids actually listen to you. Last week, Max attended a science camp which is held in a local Jewish school. The school requested that no pork be sent in camp lunches. We told Max about it, and said that we would honor their request. But on Tuesday, when he came home from camp, he was very hungry. His lunch hadn't been eaten. When Michie asked him why he didn't eat his beloved hot dogs, he stated that he thought they might have been made of pork so he didn't want to eat them.

It makes me so proud to have a son who is willing to forgo his own lunch (all beef hot dogs by the way) in order to respect the traditions of others. We told him the dogs were fine to eat and he dove into his left overs and finished off his lunch at 3PM.

I guess it is just a reminder to me, that what we teach our kids does get through. What is important to me, is passed onto Max. As Max grows up it will be his decision what lessons to keep and which don't work for him. Judging by the young man that he is becoming, that is just fine with me.

Inspired

There are moments in life when you feel like you can see the future. People or events conspire to help you envision your own potential and power. I had this very experience last week.

I attended a workshop with some truly amazing women. Chief's and Captains from some of the largest cities in our country. They are successful fire officers who are smart, savvy and on the top of their game.

They provided the women (and a few men) with a workshop to help us prepare for the second part of the Lieutenant's test. They were very, very successful. Not only did they give us practice scenarios both for the teaching and the counseling sections, they also provided us with concrete ideas for handling difficult situations. It made me feel capable and confident. They gave us an assortment of tools for actually doing the job of being a fire officer. They spoke from experience, and from their hearts, about how to manage this job with integrity while being in command.

I came home not only better prepared, but actually excited at the though moving up in the department. I could see the future, and in it I am an officer in this department.