25

25. At the age of 5, I held my first baby. I knew at that moment that I wanted to be a mother.
24. When I was 8, I knew I wanted to be a midwife.
23. I have seen over 28 live births in my lifetime, but never became a midwife.
22. I am very, very lucky to have a partner that is a great Mom to our son and puts up with my various moods. She also know how to play, which I adore.
21. I love raw chocolate chip cookie dough even through it might make me sick.
20. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a firefighter after watching 'Emergency' on TV. I stopped dreaming about it when I was told girls weren’t firefighters. At 24 I started started dreaming again when I found out the SFFD was recruiting women.
19. I consider myself a good friend- mother –daughter and wife.
18. It scares me when people get angry around me.
17. In high school and college I studied Spanish and learned the language. I seriously debated giving it up every time I had a Spanish test.
16. I had dreams that I hadn’t completed high school all the way into my late 30’s.
15. I love the escape and adventure of science fiction.
14. I often feel claustrophobic while doing back bends in my yoga class.
13. I have watched two of my dearest friends die from breast cancer. Without Breast Cancer, I wouldn’t have my wife. Then Breast Cancer went after my wife as well. We beat that one.
12. I never imagined how much joy I would get from having a son. It was like giving my heart legs and watching it run around.
11. I can change out electrical fixtures and outlets on my own. I can paint and repair almost anything in the house.
10. I am incredibly organized and feel peaceful when my house and desk are clean.
9. I kept none of my friends from high school. I kept most of my friends from college. It was a conscious choice.
8. I took up oil painting as a way to be with my wife while she was shooting photos.
7. Art and learning to play the piano again probably saved my marriage.
6. When I was in middle school I would dress up like a mime and go entertain the kids at the local hospital. I was completely unconscious about how silly I must have looked.
5. I traveled with on a peace tour sponsored by the Quakers to Russia in 1988. The only Russian words I remember are mnp and and дружба (peace and friendship).
4. I taught myself sign language in 7th grade. Finger spelling was the only way I was able to learn how to spell. I still finger spell something if I am trying to figure out the correct way to write a word.
3. I believe my friends smooth out the rough parts and embolden the happy parts.
2. I don’t know how God works, but I believe it has something to do with love.
1. I am continually surprised how well my life turned out. I didn’t imagine it this way.

I really mean...

What do I really mean? What do I really believe about God...about the Divine. I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. I have always questioned the authority that seems implicit in god's word. I would underline the verses in the bible that were sexist. I didn't like to say the word "god" in the Pledge of Allegiance. But I loved the bible's stories, and read the entire New Testament at the age of 10. I had my mother teach me the Lord's prayer and memorized it on my own. I sang in the church choir every Sunday for several years. I loved playing the organ with the organist's daughter after everyone had left the sanctuary. In high school I secretly believed that I could find god in the music of Mozart.

My family was a fluid mix of post-evangelical Christian, Quaker, Presbyterian, agnostic parents: Christian relatives on both sides of the family that I imagine prayed for my queer soul. Christians who have thought I was just fine the way I am. I have judged and been judged by religions: I have seen the Mormons next store beat their kids and make their 13 year old pregnant daughter have a child. I lost my relationship with a cousin for over a decade due to a difference of opinion over having his son be the ring bearer in our wedding. I have heard so much hate speech about who I must be because I am a lesbian. I have watched how much damage, war, and death religions can cause.

At the same time, I have witness the greatest kindness from deeply religious individuals. I have see the Catholic husband nurse his wife who was dying of AIDS with such open hearted care and compassion. I have witnessed a Jewish family leap into a level of faith that I have never personally know, while embracing their beautiful daughter who was with them for only a few months. I have had old ladies tell me they are "blessed in the name of the Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen" and I have believed them. I have had opportunity to heal a wounded relationship with a cousin who doesn't believe that I should be married to the love of my life. We are very different, but we are willing to love each other despite those difference. But now I just don't know where I fit in with religion or even with what I actually believe about god.

I do believe in Love. I do believe that we are all connected in ways we can't see but often can feel. I believe that prayer is often good, but I don't know why, or even what it means when someone says they are praying for you. I know it is kind and that is good.

I do believe that the human spirit is the most powerful and amazing thing... I do believe that we get back what we give.... I do pray in this life to not judged or be judgmental towards others , but can only control the later. I don't know if this is God or just how I see the world. I don't know...

Full

The house is empty.
The cat is sleeping in the sun.
Piano concertos are playing in the background.
Nestled in my fleece sheets, I am safe and warm.

In a few hours, friends will come
I will cook for them and share their warmth.
All is good and kind.
My heart is full.

I mean really...

I mean really... I just don't know about god

After this years election,
after all the hateful assults by God's followers,
after watching my son listen to advertising filled with outright lies
I mean really...
after hearing how "they" were going to teach gay marriage in schools
"they?"
after a lifetime of rhetoric about how queers are sinners and equal to pedophiles and murders
after watching the movie Milk with my loving family by my side
I mean really....
after yet another marriage certificate being questioned and challenged
after millions of dollars being spent to ensure that I, and my neighbors don't have full civil rights
after the Catholic and Mormon churches combining efforts to make sure that my son is a second class citizen
after all the hate and lies.

Where does this lead me?
It just makes me feel angry and hateful
It makes me incredibly sad and disheartened
I mean really...
It makes me lose faith in those who profess to have it
It makes me want to never be near this god or any god whose goal is to inspire his followers to attack people who just want to love each other in peace
I mean really...
It makes me disbelieve the good that might be at the heart of any religion.

I wonder what god would want his followers to be so caught up in my business and my love
I wonder where the catholic/christian/mormon churches gets the right to condemn my son parents and wife's child
I wonder how they can feel justified in being so deeply judgmental
I wonder how on earth any good comes from religion.
I mean really...
I wonder what is there left for me and my kind.

Random thoughts

I am not posting as much as I used to, which I could easily blame on the hectic pace which I have been maintaining lately. But instead, I thought I might just write a bit and see where it goes...

Michie goes back to work on Monday. She is nervious since she is still tired and wanting to nap a lot. I think that it will be good for her to get out of the house and reclaim her role as an inspector. She is good at her job and the challenge will be good for her spirits. Breast Cancer has been a strange detour for us. I was looking at some photos us and her parents at radiation the other day. Radiation seems like it was so long ago. It feels like a different lifetime even though we are less than 3 weeks done. At one point it is all you think about and in the next moment it is done and over.

Max is just...well Max. I always say that, but my kid is very smooth and stable. I would like to claim credit for that status, but he just came out that way. Max is maturing quickly and simultaneously remaining small these days. He is independent and strong willed. He is cuddly and happiest with his Moms by his side. Lately I have been getting sucked into the computer too much which isn't good for any of us. Michie has been complaining that we are doing too much parallel play and she is right. Time to turn off the box (when I am around my family) and to focus on just being with those I love.

I am settling into the new job and slowly hitting my stride with being a Lieutenant. I know that being a true Lt. takes more time than just 6 watches, but I am starting to envision how I want to be with the crew. Fortunately I am blessed with a great people, so that on any given day there isn't too much to manage.

Life continues...thanksgiving, christmas, and then into a new year... Who knows what will come, but having coming through '08 I am no longer afraid of what life can and will throw at me.

A message...

Unsettled

I should be settled. Life is finally moving back into a recognizable pattern. I should feel calm and secure, but I don't. I am scattered and nervious and not so sure of myself. I swing between euphoria and melancholy. I move between feeling accomplished and under the gun to get more done.

For myself, part the adjustment is due to both returning to work and becoming an officer. I know that first is easy but the later is disorienting even when it is going well. Part if it is that we are done with radiation, but Michie is feeling its affects even more now then when she was under treatment. I am done moving, but still have boxes hidden in corner of the house to deal with. I am done selling our former home but still having to coordinate refinancing our current mortgage to make our finances manageable.

I know how lucky we are but I am also aware that life has changed for us. Everything that was planned came true and everything that wasn't planned came true as well. I now live with this knowledge that my wife had cancer. It is uncomfortable for both of us...this knowledge. It is disorienting to know how lucky we were and how easily it could have turned out differently. Cancer pulled the rug out from our assumptions and makes the ground we walk on that much more slippery.

I don't have a clear vision right now. Life is good but it is still unsettled.

And in the end...

In the end we did it all. We sold the house. I became a Lieutenant. Michie finished radiation and beat cancer into submission. We moved all our belongings across town. It was such a long lists of thing to accomplish this year but it is done.

Now? Now, we just sit back and let all our hard work, work for us.

But of course, I know it is never that simple. I know life will throw other curve balls as us over the years to come.
But isn't it a good feeling to not have any know curve balls aimed in my direction. Doesn't it feel great to embrace all these accomplishments and absorb them into my being.
I am feeling proud of myself because I have managed one of the most difficult times in my blessed life and made it out to the other side...better and stronger.

Vote for Hope!

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