Unsettled

I should be settled. Life is finally moving back into a recognizable pattern. I should feel calm and secure, but I don't. I am scattered and nervious and not so sure of myself. I swing between euphoria and melancholy. I move between feeling accomplished and under the gun to get more done.

For myself, part the adjustment is due to both returning to work and becoming an officer. I know that first is easy but the later is disorienting even when it is going well. Part if it is that we are done with radiation, but Michie is feeling its affects even more now then when she was under treatment. I am done moving, but still have boxes hidden in corner of the house to deal with. I am done selling our former home but still having to coordinate refinancing our current mortgage to make our finances manageable.

I know how lucky we are but I am also aware that life has changed for us. Everything that was planned came true and everything that wasn't planned came true as well. I now live with this knowledge that my wife had cancer. It is uncomfortable for both of us...this knowledge. It is disorienting to know how lucky we were and how easily it could have turned out differently. Cancer pulled the rug out from our assumptions and makes the ground we walk on that much more slippery.

I don't have a clear vision right now. Life is good but it is still unsettled.