Three Bears on the Road

The three of us are our heading out for our amazing June adventure to the east coast. The bags are packed, the cat shipped off to chateau du kitty cat, and the house plants are being watered. I plan to keep updating my blog with stories as we travel through Williamsburg, Philadelphia, and New York City. So check in often, and hopefully I will write something of interest.

Simple

Max and I just got back from camping with the K-3rd grades from his school. It was a lot of mellow parents, and about 60 kids running free in the wilds of California State Parks. It felt great to say to Max, "Stay in the campground. Check in once in a while. Go have fun! See you later." He had a blast and it was nice to just let him explore without supervising his every move. The parents had a really nice time too, and with the exception of a very cold first night, everything went smoothly.

We found this hawk moth in the women's bathroom. It sat on our hands for about 30 minutes, warmed up and took off. Just an amazing creature. I have never seen a moth that large.

I am so grateful for this school. The parents are uniformly relaxed, appropriate and a joy the be around. The kids are smart, funny and free to be themselves. The teachers are amazing and make learning so much fun. We are blessed to be part of this community.

What Feels Safe

When Max turned two his Mima (grandma) bought him a loft bed. He was very little, so for the first few years he slept on his mattress on the floor. I set up drapes over the front and made the space under the bed into a little cave for him to snuggle in. When he got older, he moved up and slept on top. He liked being high and the novelty of it. I had mixed feelings. I missed being able to easily stand over him and watch his little body rest. I was also glad to have more room for his toys and books which were now stored underneath the bed.

Ahh... but things change. Last week, Max decided that he no longer wanted to sleep on the top of his loft bed. He declared that it didn't feel right and he wanted to be on the floor. He couldn't explain why things changed for him, but they did. We pulled out our little futon and he slept there. At first, I was a little annoyed. It didn't work to have him spread out in the middle of the room. But last night, I decided the embrace his desire and help him. I moved the mattress back down onto the floor under his bed. I created a library in the sky for my son who is now a confirmed bibliophile. He has a reading light, a little flat table and a floor rocker chair that I puzzled into the top bunk. His favorite books now line the foot of the bed. He can nestle up top and read free of the traffic and clutter of his room.

He loved it. We ended the evening by reading together in his new library. Max finished his first 510 page book and the accomplishment of finishing his first novel and his new reading space happily coincided. When he was done, he climbed down and curled up underneath and slept well. As it turns out, I love being able to check on him. I love looking down upon my handsome, loudly snoring son who knows exactly what he needs.

Who knows what makes us feel safe at any given time. Sometimes we can't even articulate why things don't feel right. Max knew what was right for him and it reminded me that we should all pay attention to what feels right in our lives.

All done and thanks to everyone.

I AM DONE. Yeah. It was a very intense experience with 160 minutes of non-stop thinking and writing. I think I did well. I laddered the buildings, cut the holes, rescued the people and put water on the fires. I completed every scenario in the time alloted. I am happy with my performance and so very glad it is over.

A few thanks to those who helped me get there.

Thanks to Max: For letting me study (most the time) and giving up his mommy when he didn't want to. And Boo Boo thanks for helping me memorize... "Score roof, remove membranes, breach ceiling and complete vent." And as you said during my study sessions, "If you need an answer mommy. Just read the manual." Good advice Max. Thanks.

Thanks to Michie: for reminding me that I "don't have to remember everything...I just have to remember more than everyone else."... oh and thanks for cooking, cleaning, making lunches and dinners, watching Max and listening to my never ending mood swings. Your the best, babe. I love you. Wanna get married?

Thanks to Mom: for her shoulder and patient ear while I rattled on about the test and her predictably supportive emails.

Thanks to Dad: For telling me that... "of course you will do well"

Thanks to Frank: For calling me his best driver and encouraging me at work in my studies.

Thanks to Scott: for encouraging me to "just look at this test as an adventure"

Thanks to Michele: for inspiring me to not be afraid of change and the embrace the opportunities that surround me.

Thanks to Dave and Gal: Like angels back from Israel you have descended back into my life and given me such amazing support. You both inspire me to no end. Your presence in my life gave me such perspective while studying for this test. Thank you.

To Mary: for supporting me, while also supporting her equally stressed out Firefighter husband and raising 4 beautiful children.

To Joe: for being a great study partner over the last two months and the yin to my yang. I hope to buy you lunch and dinner someday at the firehouse where we are both Lieutenants.

To Helen and Wil: for the supportive comments about what a great officer I would make over the last decade.

To Wayne, Joanne, Ted and Juli: For just being great family and being supportive in everything I do.

And to K: I can only say that it was because of you, and your intense passion for this job that I was as prepared as I could be. I studied as hard as I did, just so I could keep up with you. My hard work was entirely born out of a deep desire to give as much as I received. Thank you. You are a true friend. Lunch and Dinner is on me as well that first day we are Lt. together.

Do one brave thing today...then run like hell.

So the test is upon me. Sunday May 18th - 2:30-6:30 PM

I am putting the final touches on my scenarios and plan to continue to study until Sunday. I have worked hard and regardless of the results this is what I know.

I couldn't have studied more diligently than I have over the last 4 months. I wrote out over 80 scenarios by hand. I studied for endless hours, at home and at work. I read (skimming where necessary) over 2000 pages of Fire Department Manuals. I took over 200 pages of notes in an effort to consolidate the information presented.

I have learned that I am blessed to have true friends in this job who are honest, dependable and as intelligent as they come. I have with an open heart received the support of my wife, son and family. My friends have given me their shoulders, their wisdom and their ears.

I have faced something that I have been afraid of doing for a long time and come out of it stronger, braver and more sure of myself.

So I have already won on this test. I have done my best and only what I write down on Sunday is now in my control. The drama, politics, and all that follow are not.

So I let go of it all, and thank those who have helped me.

As we say in this job,

Under Investigation....More to follow.

State Supreme Court says same-sex couples have right to marry

This morning I told Max that today the State Supreme Court was going to rule on the right for same sex couples to be legally married. He looked very concerned and asked,"Will you and Mama be allowed to live together if they say no?" It broke my heart that he thought our family could be torned apart that easily. I assured him that our family would be fine if they said no, and nothing would change.

But change things did... and for the better.

OH JOY!

TOTAL COMPLETE JOY!

I made an appointment today to marry my partner of 14 years.

Not a domestic partner license or a civil union license,
but a MARRIAGE LICENSE!

We are taking Max out for a nice dinner to celebrate that our family is going to be protected under the law.

Notes to Self - Regarding the week before the test

1) Exercise - swim, bike, walk, yoga-yoga-yoga!
2) Eat a lot of salad, fruit, and whole grains
3) Breathe consciously. Be kind.
4) Stay away from confusing test Drama Queens. You know what to do, and only have to stick to your plan for it to work.
5) Spend time with family, and friends... and the cat.
6) Drink water. Don't drink coffee.
7) Practice for the test as planned - no more, no less
8) Listen to your friends advice. Take in their support and prayers.
9) Remember: This is not the most important thing in the world. I already have the greatest job on the planet. This is only a challenge with a goal, and the results do not determine who I am in this world.
10) Do my best. Believe it is enough. Let go of the results.

Bumper Stickers and Racism

I took all the bumpers stickers off the back of my car. Every one of them. My Obama sticker, my "tree hugger" sticker, even my "rainbow pride" sticker. It hurt me to do so, but I did it.

A few days ago, I was parked a few blocks from my own house. A strange man said to me from across the street, "You are going to vote for a fuckin' N----- for president. Your a goddamn bottom feeder. He is a Muslim, you ..." .... well dear reader you get the idea. I choose not to look at him as he continues spewing. Got in my car and drove away. It shocked me. And made me worry that this local man would see my Obama sticker and throw those words or worse at me again. The hatred and racism in this man's voice was scary.

At the urging of my friend, Mary, I took the stickers off. I hadn't realized how much my identity was on my bumper. I have had rainbow stickers on my car for over 18 years. I've had political stickers for most elections. I have used my stickers as a way to state my opinion and assert my identity.

For now I feel safer being anonymous. I will get new stickers. (Maybe a "McCain for President" sticker would throw him off. ) I will put my Obama sticker on my blog instead of my bumper. What a loss for our country that this kind of bigotry still is alive and well in America.

Worn out

My brain has hit full. Max is sick with a high fever. Michie stayed home with him today so I could study at work. But I am tired. I just feel like I can't keep going at this rate, but I feel more anxious when I don't study. I can feel the doubt coming in. The "what if's"....what if I get sick for the test, what if I get in a car accident because I am so distracted....what if they give me something completely new that I had never thought of...what if I feel like I do right now on test day. I know it is negative thinking and I am mostly writing this post to get it out of my body and away from my head. I almost wish I wasn't so invested in this test. It is crazy, considering how I wasn't even sure I wanted to take it only 6 months ago.

Determined

I....HAVE....TO.....MEMORIZE
....EVERY....DETAIL
.....THAT...I....CAN

I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

focus...Focus...FOCUS

I am so focused on this test right now that it seems hard to do anything but study. I guess my old habits just kick right back from my high school and college days. My dad said to me the other day, "You have always done well on tests so why wouldn't you do well on this one?" Good point.

I am really working on trying to be focused on whatever my current task is at the moment. It goes back to what I wrote about last month and compartmentalizing myself. I am mostly worried that my family is suffering at the moment. Max misses me. Last night, he threatened to sleep sitting up if I didn't spend more time with him. Michie is worn out from doing everything around the house as well as picking up all the stuff that I would usually do. She has been amazing, and supportive and even dug into the High Rise Manual last night when I had a personal and deeply spiritual crisis over strategy. Is that love or what?

I am surrounded by angels (you know who you are) who are supporting me with kind words, study groups, grocery shopping, going to sleep when I tell them too, and practical advice. So my thanks goes out to you all. I couldn't do it without you.

Breathing Room

Well the good new is that the department has taken the complaints about the test format being too restrictive seriously. They has expanded the little boxes (doubled the size - almost) so we can be a bit more articulate about assigned tasks for our crew members.

I am greatly relieved by this since, apparently, I have a lot to say. The format was causing me a lot of worry that it was all going to come down to a few single words crammed into a 1"x4" box.

End result: There is a little more breathing room and that is always a good thing to have in life.