Ahh.... Shit....

"This satellite photo released by the National Snow and Ice Data Center at the University of Colorado at Boulder shows a detail of the Wilkins Ice Shelf on March 6, 2008 on the Southwest Antarctic Peninsula as it began to break apart. The ice shelf, about seven times the size of Manhattan began collapsing on Feb. 28, putting an even greater portion of glacial ice at risk, scientists said Tuesday."

I am at a loss for words.

It is what it is. Own it. Recycle more.

343

This morning Max noticed that I was wearing a NYFD shirt that said "All gave some, Some gave all" on the back. He asked me about it and I said that it was a fund raiser for the firefighters after Sept 11.

He said, "Oh, to help the families of the people who worked in the buildings?" I said, carefully, "No, to help the families of the firefighters who were killed in the attacks". His face dropped while he thought for a moment. " I didn't know any firefighters were killed. I didn't know that a firefighter ever got killed in a fire.", he whispered.

Sigh. Maybe we have protected him too much. Max was two when the attacks happened and we didn't show him any of the footage or talk about it around him. As a child with two Moms in the fire service, we have been discrete about line of duty death or injury. We have not talked about friends who have been burned or died while doing this job. There are some things that we didn't want in his heart.

When he got a bit older, I did tell him what happened in 2001, mostly as a way to explain how our President used the attacks as an excuse to start the Iraq war. But I never mentioned that 343 firefighters were killed on that day.

It is hard enough to explain the homeless man on the street to our children. So how do you explain acts of evil, tragedy and genocide?

This conversation continued spiraling around. It was a freight train barreling through my kitchen. We discussed the Iraqi war and soldiers, and how in fact many of the soldiers are undoubtedly doing good deeds in Iraq. Then we got onto Hitler and the genocide. I started to talk about those who tried to help the Jews, all in an effort to help him understand how complex these things are. We discussed that rarely were times all good or all bad. That things are complicated in life. There are righteous acts in the midst of times no one should have to live through.

Max's mind was engaged! The questions just kept pouring out about war, soldiers, the attacks, Hitler's genocide. We went every where, except back to Sept 11th. He didn't ask how many firefighters died. I didn't tell him. I figure that question will come when he is ready for the answer.

Help me, Thank You, and Wow

Author Anne Lamott says you only need three prayers in life. - Help me, Thank You, and Wow

Through out my rather eclectic religious upbringing, "God" has always been a vague and yet loaded word that meant a variety of things depending on who I talked with. Prayer belonged to those who believed in God and since I didn't know about the whole "God thing" it didn't seem that it could apply to me.

But recently I have had events happen to those around me that didn't require me to 'think about them' or 'send them my best thoughts' or 'hold them in a positive light' but required me to pray for them. To pray for their family, their child, their safety. To pray that I could be a good friend, that I could help them in any small way, to pray that they could weather an incoming storm that could bring rain, wind, snow and even rainbows. So I have started praying...

Now for those of us who are not used to this life skill, it is a bit of of trick to pray. How do you do it?

Dear God ...ahh... well... Dear Universal Life Force (no too Star Wars)...Dear Great Spirit (no Native American blood in this white girl). Why do I start with Dear? Am I writing a letter? Perhaps. So over months I have come to work with Lamott's prayers. Simple and clean.

Help me, help them, help, help... be a good friend, help me say the right thing, take care of those I love. Help those who need the most help. Help the baby be strong. Help the doctors be well rested and clear. Help the hearts surrounding my friends hold them up and cradle them in their love.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.... The moment I start the Thank You it just completely overwhelms me, often to the point of tears. How do I sum up all the blessings in my life? Where do I start? My healthy parents, my thriving and happy child, my patient and loving wife, my nieces and nephews who just keep being born healthy and well, my amazing and satisfying job. Or maybe I should thank the incredible people in my life who are constantly helping others - whether teaching teen girls how to be strong, aiding those who are dying, making accessibility happen for those with the least, helping us take care of our son, fighting for the right for us to marry, or just being kind and gentle with the sick. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

And then there is the Wow.
Wow! ... That was a beautiful sunrise. Wow!... What is that amazing color reflecting off the water? Wow!... The cat just pounced me in the middle of the night. Wow! How did the universe get this insanely beautiful?

So at the age of 40, I am praying. Some days, it is conscious. Some days, it is just part of my walking about. Some days, I am at a complete loss for words, overwhelmed and tired and just find myself repeating help me, help me, help me. Then I try to remember to throw in a few Thank You's and wait for the Wow!

The Other Scooter Boy

I was able to send this video from my phone, which is very cool. This is Max, circling around me, down at the Marina. He is his usual goofy self, hamming it up for the camera. The quality isn't very good, but as we say to Max - 'some is better than none'.

Add Smoke and Fire

So this is how my days seem to be going lately. I get on my Mac and up-load photos of perfectly lovely homes. Then I figure out how to burn them down. I add all kinds of virtual smoke and fire, consider obstructions, hydrants and wires.

Then my moment of truth comes. I have to deal with my monster. I put the fire out with the help of my trusty virtual crew. By the way, my virtual crew is a great one...smart, strong, and very good at taking my orders.

Since the test will most likely be written, I have been working on writing down all my orders.

The trick to all of this is to fight entropy and bring order to chaos, in a situation that is usually incredibly unordered and chaotic. It is kind of like life that way.

Scooter...acting his age

I am not completely obsessed with animals, but they are good subjects for learning how to edit video footage. My ducks are right side up now as well. (see below)

Oil Paintings

These are two of my most recent oil paintings. One was painted at Coit Tower, and the other in the Marina. Learning is always the goal.

No Nonsense

One of my friends described me as being a 'no nonsense' parent. It is always interesting to have someone describe you in a way you have never described yourself. I guess I have always been of the opinion that honesty and straightforward conversation is the best way to be with your child. I have never shied away from talking about money, death, sex, or even my complete lack of confirmed understanding about God and faith. If I don't know the answer, that is usually my response in almost any situation.

But there is always that thrill of having someone identify a trait in you, that you have never seen in yourself.

Born Free

Scooter in the yard,
free and wild...
for at least an hour.

Duck Rescue Plan

The other day as I was leaving work I came upon this group walking down the frontage road. Mama was desperately trying to get back to the wet lands, but had wound up here with her babies. I followed them in my car with my hazard lights, while blocking traffic so they wouldn't get mashed. Then I pulled ahead of them and parked. I ran back to them and became a professional duck herder. I helped her orient herself towards the water. She did so, as only a mama duck can, and they all paddled away safely.

Priorities

A few years ago I went out as a Lieutenant on an occasional basis. I (being me) organized a booklet of info that I would need for unusual runs. I put this photo of Max when he was about 8 months old on the cover with the slogan "Good to Know". It was a reminder that it is good to know info for work and it good to know Max. I am constantly trying to remain balanced with my priorities of work, family...being a good mom, studying an appropriate amount and also trying to be a good partner to my Michie.

It is good to know these things. To know who I am as a person.
To know my abilities to lead and be a good officer. To Know How TO Be a Good Mommy to that sweet little face.

Panic followed by calm

I suppose the hardest thing about studying for this LT. test is managing my own stress and trying to still be a good parent... and a good partner. Neither are easy right now, mostly because I am so freaked out about this test.

I am trying to compartmentalize my time so when I am home with Max... I am Mommy. When I am at work... I am studying whenever possible. When I am with Michie, I am some how a decent partner and still giving our relationship what it needs.

Last night we got home from Max's Spring concert and I climbed into bed completely exhausted. I just laid there, and eventually came to place where I didn't care about the test and just was quietly breathing in and out. Maybe that yoga is paying off...