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What do I really mean? What do I really believe about God...about the Divine. I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. I have always questioned the authority that seems implicit in god's word. I would underline the verses in the bible that were sexist. I didn't like to say the word "god" in the Pledge of Allegiance. But I loved the bible's stories, and read the entire New Testament at the age of 10. I had my mother teach me the Lord's prayer and memorized it on my own. I sang in the church choir every Sunday for several years. I loved playing the organ with the organist's daughter after everyone had left the sanctuary. In high school I secretly believed that I could find god in the music of Mozart.
My family was a fluid mix of post-evangelical Christian, Quaker, Presbyterian, agnostic parents: Christian relatives on both sides of the family that I imagine prayed for my queer soul. Christians who have thought I was just fine the way I am. I have judged and been judged by religions: I have seen the Mormons next store beat their kids and make their 13 year old pregnant daughter have a child. I lost my relationship with a cousin for over a decade due to a difference of opinion over having his son be the ring bearer in our wedding. I have heard so much hate speech about who I must be because I am a lesbian. I have watched how much damage, war, and death religions can cause.
At the same time, I have witness the greatest kindness from deeply religious individuals. I have see the Catholic husband nurse his wife who was dying of AIDS with such open hearted care and compassion. I have witnessed a Jewish family leap into a level of faith that I have never personally know, while embracing their beautiful daughter who was with them for only a few months. I have had old ladies tell me they are "blessed in the name of the Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen" and I have believed them. I have had opportunity to heal a wounded relationship with a cousin who doesn't believe that I should be married to the love of my life. We are very different, but we are willing to love each other despite those difference. But now I just don't know where I fit in with religion or even with what I actually believe about god.
I do believe in Love. I do believe that we are all connected in ways we can't see but often can feel. I believe that prayer is often good, but I don't know why, or even what it means when someone says they are praying for you. I know it is kind and that is good.
I do believe that the human spirit is the most powerful and amazing thing... I do believe that we get back what we give.... I do pray in this life to not judged or be judgmental towards others , but can only control the later. I don't know if this is God or just how I see the world. I don't know...
My family was a fluid mix of post-evangelical Christian, Quaker, Presbyterian, agnostic parents: Christian relatives on both sides of the family that I imagine prayed for my queer soul. Christians who have thought I was just fine the way I am. I have judged and been judged by religions: I have seen the Mormons next store beat their kids and make their 13 year old pregnant daughter have a child. I lost my relationship with a cousin for over a decade due to a difference of opinion over having his son be the ring bearer in our wedding. I have heard so much hate speech about who I must be because I am a lesbian. I have watched how much damage, war, and death religions can cause.
At the same time, I have witness the greatest kindness from deeply religious individuals. I have see the Catholic husband nurse his wife who was dying of AIDS with such open hearted care and compassion. I have witnessed a Jewish family leap into a level of faith that I have never personally know, while embracing their beautiful daughter who was with them for only a few months. I have had old ladies tell me they are "blessed in the name of the Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen" and I have believed them. I have had opportunity to heal a wounded relationship with a cousin who doesn't believe that I should be married to the love of my life. We are very different, but we are willing to love each other despite those difference. But now I just don't know where I fit in with religion or even with what I actually believe about god.
I do believe in Love. I do believe that we are all connected in ways we can't see but often can feel. I believe that prayer is often good, but I don't know why, or even what it means when someone says they are praying for you. I know it is kind and that is good.
I do believe that the human spirit is the most powerful and amazing thing... I do believe that we get back what we give.... I do pray in this life to not judged or be judgmental towards others , but can only control the later. I don't know if this is God or just how I see the world. I don't know...
4 comments:
I believe in love, too, and about connection. For me, God is simply that connection, that oneness. Oneness even with those who look down upon us. Not everyone is comfortable with that connection, that sense that we are one, that we are all alike in our differences - that's when hatred and fear of the other comes out, from that discomfort. I've never experienced God as an entity that controls everything, so when I hear "God thinks you are evil" speak out there, I just don't connect to it in any way. It's complex and hard to grasp, and sometimes I grasp it better than others. Sometimes I feel more peace than other times and don't need to ask too many questions - and other times I feel like I am all questions. All I know is that if you are doing something "in the name of God" it better be a gesture of love, openness and compassion. Otherwise, it has nothing to do with God... Or maybe it does. Dave says that if God is everything, that even includes the hatred and fear and distrust. Hmm... Perhaps he's right. Keep staying open, and keep loving your beautiful family and community. THAT's definitely God.
I loved reading this post. I have so many similar questions, and similar experiences with religion as a kid and teenager. I still don't know what I believe, other than that it is important to be kind, and to be loving.
I was driving in the car with Rowan one day and he piped up from the back seat with "Mommy, what's God?" And I was so not ready for that question! I came back with, "God is all the love in the world." And that seemed to work for Ro, and I guess I think it might work for me too.
xo
I might be someone who agrees with Dave, who I don't know. To me, God is expression, it is creation, it is All That Is, and that includes all that is - what we would judge to be good or bad, right or wrong, good and evil, love and hate (actually the opposite of love is fear). It includes those who seek God outside themselves, inside themselves and those that question or argue the existence of "God", those that try to control a definition of God or impose their definition on others, and those that just don't know what to think. I see life as an amazing tapestry of such wonderful complexity and diversity of ways people seek God, love, purpose, creation, as well as experience fear, loathing, hate, evilness. It's an amazing tapestry. It's all expression and its all creation. I love how you express your search for meaning in God. You express it in a way that the "answer" is in the question. Pretty amazing wonderful stuff...
p.s. Merry Christmas to you, Michie, and the Max-Buddha!
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