Fish Out of Water

There was a time when I couldn't imagine being in this job. It was 1994. I was at my 2nd probationary house and completely miserable. My classmate had been almost killed in a fire and was just barely surviving on a breathing machine. I was a "probie" firefighter at a house that was a "bit harsh" and not a good place to feel much anything, other than strong and tough and male. I didn't have the skills yet to fit into the style of camaraderie, that I was surrounded by every watch. I was a fish out of water and I knew it.

One day I hit my breaking point and just decided that I couldn't do the job anymore. That I had failed and I would never survive this firehouse or probation. I went up into the women's bathroom (the only place I could have any type of privacy) and started crying. Quietly, so no one would hear me. I knew I was done.

And then a small light went on in my head. I got out a pad of paper and tried to figure out how to make it. I didn't write a list of how to be a better firefighter, or probie, or even person. I wrote something like this...

Dear Cynthia,
Someday you will love this job. Someday you will not be a probie and you will know what the hell you are doing. Someday you will work with a crew of people who you enjoy. Someday you might even work with folks you care about and who care about you. Someday you will come to work and not feel like a total screw up. Someday it could happen. Hold on.

I kept writing. I kept imaging that my circumstances would change. That they would get better.
And you know what....they did.

But right now I feel like I did that day, 13 years ago, but in reverse. This time I am taking myself out of a situation that I love. I am forcing myself into a position of being very uncomfortable. I am envisioning myself as a Lieutenant. I am seeing myself confidently working with folks who are well trained and know how to have fun. I am imaging myself being relaxed in this new position.

So now I have a new letter to myself.

Dear Cynthia,
Someday you will be glad you did all this work. You will be glad you are waking up at 3AM and doing fire scenarios in your head instead of sleeping. You will be glad for all the times you felt like a total screw up anytime you wrote out a truck scenario. You will be glad for the headaches you get from looking at the computer screen. You will be glad you tried and didn't give up.

Someday I will be glad, but for now I am just busy composing letters to myself.